I was contacted to guest blog on CupidsPlanner.com. One of their readers (a young lady) wanted a little ‘advice’. I was asked to give a male’s point of view in response to her letter, and I happily obliged.
“I am in a new relationship, should I hold back in bed for fear of being judged as a freak? I really enjoy sex and I have the feeling that I might be more experienced than my current boyfriend. I really like him, so I want our first time to be magical. I would not want to mess it up by doing too much or giving him the wrong impression. I like sex but I am not a tramp.”
To freak or not the freak, that is the question. Perceptions and first impressions are everything, so when a woman is worried about being considered a ‘freak’ by her new lover, such concerns are understandable. After all ‘freaks’ are generally considered less inhibited with more bedroom savvy. Accompanying this common thought is that such bedroom flair has been acquired from sexual experience with a multitude of partners – a picture many women would like to avoid painting for their current beau.
In an effort to avoid this stigma, some women will tactfully approach the bedroom with coy, or even preface sexual acts with the ‘ole, “I don’t normally do this…” spiel (because as we all know, that never gets old), in hopes to appear ‘less seasoned’ so to speak. Perhaps concerned that by ‘displaying too much sexual skill’ early on in the relationship might prove to be ‘intimidating’ or provide men with the ‘wrong’ impression of them. Well, to that I say, “sometimes the ‘wrong’ impression is also the most accurate impression”.
So ladies, let’s take a brutally honest approach to this discussion, shall we?
Contrary to popular belief (much like the line of thinking surrounding the idea of a ‘strong’ [black] woman), a sexually talented/experienced woman is not intimidating to men. Nope. Not in the least. In fact, we love them (the strong sexually talented types). It’s the ‘bitches’ and ‘hoes’ we don’t like. *gasp* <–No need to clutch your granny’s pearls, this is said only to make the following vital distinction – that there is strong, and then there is unreasonable. There is sexually adventurous and then there is promiscuous. It would bode some women well to learn this difference before using terms like ‘intimidated’ to describe men’s collective avoidance of women they deem unfit or undesirable. However, being a ‘freak’ is not one of them.
A woman’s demonstrated bedroom talents (whether she spent time honing it with one man or many) may elicit an initial side eye from a guy, but it’s not a deal breaker. In these times, men in general are hardly expecting to lay with virgin Olive oil. They [men] know the deal and aren’t complaining about the women they consider ‘freaks’ in bed either. In fact, men generally tend to speak enthusiastically about their’ relationships’ with women who are uninhibited in the bedroom, as the mutual enthusiasm for sex makes for a more exhilarating and enjoyable experience.
In the end, the only ‘good’ sex is honest sex. And if good sex is the objective then put away the facade and show your man exactly how much you REALLY enjoy sex. What can be more magical than allowing one’s self to fully enjoy and be fully enjoyed by their significant other? Allow the passion to run unbridled and let the desire to please and be pleased lead the way with zero concern for how you are to be perceived. The fascinating thing about this is that subduing yourself in the bedroom will only cheat the both of you out of a more wonderful experience.
Hope that helps. Good luck.
Title update on 01/15/19. Post Originally entitled, “A Closet Freak: A Man’s Point of View”