A Closet Feak: “Should I Hide my Freaknasty from my new Boyfriend?”
I was contacted to guest blog on CupidsPlanner.com. One of their readers (a young lady) wanted a little ‘advice’. I was asked to give a male’s point of view in response to her letter, and I happily obliged.
She wrote:
“I am in a new relationship, should I hold back in bed for fear of being judged as a freak? I really enjoy sex and I have the feeling that I might be more experienced than my current boyfriend. I really like him, so I want our first time to be magical. I would not want to mess it up by doing too much or giving him the wrong impression. I like sex but I am not a tramp.”
– Anonymous
To freak or not the freak, that is the question. Perceptions and first impressions are everything, so when a woman is worried about being considered a ‘freak’ by her new lover, such concerns are understandable. After all ‘freaks’ are generally considered less inhibited with more bedroom savvy. Accompanying this common thought is that such bedroom flair has been acquired from sexual experience with a multitude of partners – a picture many women would like to avoid painting for their current beau.
In an effort to avoid this stigma, some women will tactfully approach the bedroom with coy, or even preface sexual acts with the ‘ole, “I don’t normally do this…” spiel (because as we all know, that never gets old), in hopes to appear ‘less seasoned’ so to speak. Perhaps concerned that by ‘displaying too much sexual skill’ early on in the relationship might prove to be ‘intimidating’ or provide men with the ‘wrong’ impression of them. Well, to that I say, “sometimes the ‘wrong’ impression is also the most accurate impression”.
So ladies, let’s take a brutally honest approach to this discussion, shall we?
Contrary to popular belief (much like the line of thinking surrounding the idea of a ‘strong’ [black] woman), a sexually talented/experienced woman is not intimidating to men. Nope. Not in the least. In fact, we love them (the strong sexually talented types). It’s the ‘bitches’ and ‘hoes’ we don’t like. *gasp* <–No need to clutch your granny’s pearls, this is said only to make the following vital distinction – that there is strong, and then there is unreasonable. There is sexually adventurous and then there is promiscuous. It would bode some women well to learn this difference before using terms like ‘intimidated’ to describe men’s collective avoidance of women they deem unfit or undesirable. However, being a ‘freak’ is not one of them.
A woman’s demonstrated bedroom talents (whether she spent time honing it with one man or many) may elicit an initial side eye from a guy, but it’s not a deal breaker. In these times, men in general are hardly expecting to lay with virgin Olive oil. They [men] know the deal and aren’t complaining about the women they consider ‘freaks’ in bed either. In fact, men generally tend to speak enthusiastically about their’ relationships’ with women who are uninhibited in the bedroom, as the mutual enthusiasm for sex makes for a more exhilarating and enjoyable experience.
In the end, the only ‘good’ sex is honest sex. And if good sex is the objective then put away the facade and show your man exactly how much you REALLY enjoy sex. What can be more magical than allowing one’s self to fully enjoy and be fully enjoyed by their significant other? Allow the passion to run unbridled and let the desire to please and be pleased lead the way with zero concern for how you are to be perceived. The fascinating thing about this is that subduing yourself in the bedroom will only cheat the both of you out of a more wonderful experience.
Hope that helps. Good luck.
Cheers.
Title update on 01/15/19. Post Originally entitled, “A Closet Freak: A Man’s Point of View”
9 Comments
J.Nicole
I find that if you have to put too much thought behind it, this may not be the best partner for you. Things should be orgasmic….oops, I mean organic, lol. If you ever have to second think any quality about yourself and consider holding back, what’s the point. Clearly you aren’t as comfortable as you like. I’m not saying everyone is worthy of every trick one has to offer, but if worse comes to worse, take it as a lesson learned…
Mr SoBo
I totally agree with this ^^
She should definitely find someone who she will be more comfortable being herself with, as opposed to downplaying her likes and experiences to secure a relationship.
Funny enough, we all do this in one way or another. Maybe not exactly in this manner, but in other ways, especially when it comes to a relationship/person we desire.
Cortonio
I feel it is what it is..if you’re in the mood and wanna do whatever and you’re both hygenically (sp) and sexually clean go for it..whatever. Now if she has reservations, see what he does first, if he’s on some borderline nasty ‘ish then you can let the floodgates open.
Craig MrBubbels
1) The discussion about prefrences, turn ons/offs, and fantacies should be discussed before hand.
2) Never hold back, it affects your own experience, and that of your partner, trust me the ones who realy care about you can tell.
3) instruct on what you want, and positive feed back as far as its above 60% of what you want is essential.
4) An advise is worth what you paid for it, ie:my opinion might change after i have an actual experience to go by when i am 30 in 34 weeks 3 days and 12 hours.
Mr SoBo
In regards to your #1, …. really? Do you find that opportunities to have such discussions always present themselves prior to being intimate with someone?
Welcome to the OM btw.
Kay- nycgirl
Interesting topic, I find that when a woman is comfortable in her own skin she is more comfortable with her sexual desires and preferences. So it strikes me that this person is not 100 % there yet (excuse me for judging) It also depends on the man that she’s dealing with as well, there may have been some hints or behaviors that is making her hesitant or cautious in the bedroom department, so I agree with the comment earlier that he may not be the best man for her if this is even a concern.
I also think that when it comes to sex and discussing your preferences, that comes with a certain amount of comfort in the relationship and honestly we usually get physical first and then at some point the discussion comes up when you begin to explore and try different things out in the bedroom.
My take is, that there should be no discussions that’s off limits between lovers and I want to be able to please my man the way he wants and needs to and even thou a relationship is based on more than sex, when you’re holding it down in the bedroom it’s beneficial all the way around. And I also agree that as long as you are a lady in public, when the doors close you should be able to rock out as much as you want to.
Mr SoBo
Hmmn.. Well said.
Hamill
I feel a woman should be comfortable sharing her sexuality with me. I happen to like freaky girls so she has absolutely no reason to hide from me. No one is perfect so we shouldn’t judge anyone especially when you don’t know their story fully
Mr SoBo
Welcome to the OM.
You are absolutely correct – no one is perfect. However, the reality is that we all judge; its a survival mechanism. The important thing is that we:
(1) Be mindful that there may be missing pieces of the puzzle (as you rightfully pointed out) and have an open mind to what that may entail.
(2) Do not condemn people for their choices whether we agree with them or not ( barring extreme circumstances of course).
I support the existence of comfort in communicating one’s bedroom proclivities. Everyone should strive to leave their inhibitions at the bedroom entrance. Makes for a more fascinating experience for all parties involved.