10 Hilarious Things Men say After Bad Sex

Gents, you know we’ve all been there. Whether it was in your first few experiences, or maybe you’re still doing it, or even if you’re a bedroom stud, the reality is you’ve had that occasional hiccup. We’ve all been in a situation where we were …let’s say…a bit quick on the lower trigger finger. What does that mean you ask? Don’t play dumb. You came too quick mayne! “Tu llego demasiado rapido”!

Well here’s a top 10 list of things dudes say or may say after having a bad performance.  And there’s not many worse feelings than talking smack about what you’re going to do and coming (no pun intended) up swift. This list may or not be true but let’s just have some fun with it.  Most of these are predicated on if she isn’t your woman, just a ‘bust down’/jump off or someone you just started dating and you’re not making exaggerated thrusts showing your hand. So let’s go with one of the most used…..

1. “OOOH…UUUGH…AHH.  YOU AAIGHT? YOU GOOD?”

After you’re done, the first thing you’d probably want to know is if she’s mad, not if she’s alright. So you do this by throwing a feeler out there. Maybe she was satisfied and you want to know if she’s really okay; or again, you have nothing to say but this and hope for the best.

In addition, just hope that you’re not at her house and have a distance to drive when (not if) she asks you to leave.

2. “DAMN GIRL. YO.  UUGHH.  *CHUCKLE* “MY FAULT” 

Talk about being accountable and attempting to be a good sport at that. Well, here’s to you buddy. I guess this can work. However, while you’re hoping this will make her feel a little bit better (and thinking you’ll slide), she may flip the script and let you know in a not so nice way, “yeah ninja, it is your fault”!

3. “UMM, YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK”?

The second best thing that may actually be better than admitting your flaw in your performance. You actually offer her a bite to eat and/or something to drink to make up for it. This is not only a gracious gesture but you may, just maybe get a second shot at the goods, especially if you hook it up (the meal); and if this was your first time together of course. Usually some men may ask this to be polite and really don’t want to get her anything at all.

4. “OH DAMN, THE CONDOM RIPPED”

If the lights are out, she doesn’t have to know what just transpired right? If you were putting in some serious work before your misfire, at least you have that as a consolation as she has just gotten a taste of your bedroom proficiency. That’s the plus side.

But seriously, if you’re ever in a situation where you release earlier than you would prefer, here’s what to do: If you’re at your crib, go to your drawer (where many men keep their condoms and women assume they keep them), fish through it and front like you don’t have anymore. Meanwhile, toss the used one in the trash.  That way, she’ll be under the impression you stopped due to ‘wardrobe malfunction’ and cannot continue because you simply don’t have any more. She’ll believe your being responsible, while being none the wiser to your premature rocket launch. Everybody wins. Yeaah!

Here’s what NOT to do: Admit you misfired. Secondly, hope to Gawd you’re not at her house while pulling this ruse, because if you hear her say these 10 words: “Don’t worry baby, I have some in my top drawer”.

O_O  

Uhh, at this point my ninja, you’re on your own. Cuz as the Jamaicans say,“Mi no know wha fi tell yuh bossman, cause yuh fcuk now.”

5. FAKE A CHARLIE HORSE

Hey, once again she doesn’t have to know right? Do this to catch yourself up and buy yourself some time so you can get a second round going. Now if you’re really convincing, you may appeal to her sympathetic side and actually get a massage on the ‘Charlie horse infested joint’ with a couple of “poor babies” thrown in there. You’ll probably be up and ready in no time. However, don’t make a habit out of this act. Its more of a one time get out of jail free card.

6. “ZZZZ” -aka- SAY NOTHING. JUST FALL ASLEEP

That’s right, do nothing. Just pass out. This way you don’t have to hear anything that follows. Do this and you’ll live to fight another day. If it’s your crib or you both share it, you’re good. If it’s hers, then there’s no rest for the weary. In other words…you ain’t sleepin’ there.

7. “BABE, YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP. I’M GOING TO CHECK MY EMAIL”

Again, this will only work if it’s your woman. It can perhaps buy some time if that was just a quick nut allowing you to recover for a round two. However, if it’s a F.W.B (Friend With Benefits) or a simple booty call, this under no circumstances WILL NOT WORK.

8.“OH WELL, IT’S WHATEVER

If you’re not asking to get laid by her again, this was it. You (not her) came quick, so why be a prick about it? Men who tend to carry this attitude are likely to have other conquests, so they’re not concerned about impressing said woman. On the other hand, some men just plain don’t give a rats a$$ about her enjoyment. While this is an obvious d*ck move and a d*ck thing to say, at least you’re being honest right? Right.  -_-

9. “THIS DOESN’T USUALLY HAPPEN”

Hey, you could be telling the truth, but to her it could be a big, stinking, steaming pile of monkey crap. Unless she’s your woman she doesn’t know that; but if it’s your woman there’s no need to explain. Really though, men say this to cover up what little pride they have left after the ‘unfortunate mishap’, especially if they’re the type of brother that speaks highly about their “pipe game”.

10. “I’M SORRY, BUY IT FELT TOO GOOD”

Well if she was disappointed by your minuteman impression, this may offer her ego some consolation. Saying this will get her thinking she has some really good water that you’re swimming in, which is why you couldn’t help yourself. Would she be wrong for thinking this though? #JustSayin’
Ok ya’ll. So I lied. There’s 11 things. 10 sounded better in the title. I deceived you. Deal with it.

11. “YO, DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE? LEMME GO SEE.”

You may actually be able to pull this off. It shows that you are willing to be protective of her to the point you have to stop having sex  to see what the “noise” is.  If you have to embellish it some more to get her mind of the fact you blew your load quick, do it.  Again this is one of those one time get out of jail free cards.

Fellas, do you have any excuses to add? (Don’t worry we won’t necessarily think it’s you). Ladies, what excuses have you heard , or stories you may have heard from others about things men have said after a night of bad sex? Inquiring minds want to know. The floor is yours.

peace and God bless

**Editors Note: Taken from our old website with a few more additions.**

01/15/19 Post title updated. Original title, “Did I Do That? 10 Things Men Say After Bad Sex”