Should a Woman’s Past be a Relationship Deal Breaker?
Before I write another word let’s start with this scene from Coming to America starring Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall.
So with the comedy aside, which of those women (except Arsenio in drag of course) would be a turn off for you based on their situation? There are brothers (and sistahs too, don’t get the game twisted) that would let the other off real quick should they be privy to some unsavory info. Question is: Should a woman’s past be a deal breaker when meeting someone or starting a new relationship? Let’s delve into some scenario’s shall we? We’ll break them up into 3 categories:
* Deal
* No deal
* Run for the hills
1. Had many sexual partners
Now some men can deal with this sort of thing depending on when the woman was at her ‘peak’ of bed buddies, or those men may have the giraffe theory – If I didn’t see it, it wasn’t there. I’m pretty positive most men can agree with me when I say it doesn’t matter as long as said female is being honest about her number of partners. However, I have to add the fact that she doesn’t have the same number of partners as her age. Your shoe size I’m sure it could totally be understood.
The reality is, we don’t want to be told you had 5, and then we find out that there’s 10 more to that list. It’s just out right dishonest. Ladies think of it this way: If we lied about our sex partners whether it was by one woman or eight women, would you still hang around long enough to make something work between us? Or would you get on your high horse and proceed to chastise and verbally castrate us for being ‘man whores’? Or would you take the simple honest route and gracefully bow out?
Category: Deal (depending on the actual number)
2. Used to be a man
Before I go any further, for the record I am not being insensitive or crude. If you are a transsexual/transgender and you’re reading this article then you can discontinue reading if you’re offended. If not, cool we can get along but I am going to shoot from the hip here. Two Words… No, actually four: Hell… To… The… Naw! Listen, I know they’re men out there who somehow, some way, feel that deep inside the crevasses of their manhood there’s actually a woman lurking somewhere. If you are and decide to go through the process of getting a sex change to become a woman, I can’t relate to you. Sorry, I just can’t. Men -at least 99% of us – want a partner who was BORN a woman, WANTS to be a woman, and continues to be a woman. Point blank.
Category: Run for the hills
3. Is/was a stripper
That song by T-pain is plain idiocy because why would you be in love with one? I for one am not a huge strip club fan anyway, but all men – I don’t care who- enjoys T&A period. Besides, when I was much younger I watched this show on Showtime called “G-String Divas” and I realized it was all a game to them (strippers) anyway.
Many men (not all) just can’t see the possibility of starting anything serious if you strip. I know it’s quick easy cash; and if you have a physique that’s very pleasing to the eyes and a man’s wallet, then it’s even quicker and easier cash. If you did it when in College years ago to pay bills/tuition and ALL you did was strip and you’re on to better things, it can possibly get a pass.
Bottom line, we don’t want a woman where everyone else is privy to what we and only WE should be enjoying.
Category: No Deal
4. Pulled a Lorena Bobbitt, perhaps Al Green’d or Andre Rison’d a spouse
If you don’t know what happened to Green or Rison look it up on Google. Listen ladies, men will screw up sometimes. Whether it be an honest mistake, a faulty slip, or something detrimental to a relationship. It is what it is. However, we don’t want to be victimized or scorned by psychotic women behavior. Letting us sleep on the couch, denying cutty for the night, not speaking for a couple of days, or even breaking it off are things we can cope with. Let’s be clear though, if you have those type of [psychotic] tendencies, um….can’t do it.
Category: Run for the hills
5. Been to jail
It all depends on what it was for because you can go to jail for anything nowadays. If you had to whoop someone’s a$$ who accosted you back in the day, then hey do what you have to do.
Category: going to lean on the fence with No Deal / Deal. Again, it depends.
6. Former Drug Addict/Alcoholic
Drugs just like alcohol can go from a little enjoyment to the point where your life can spiral out of control. One can lose their job, friends, and even family. If you are a former addict but you’ve been clean and sober for a long time and are doing great things with your life, congrats are in order. Everyone deserves a second chance, as long as they’re not going to fall off the wagon. Think of how many people (celebrities and athletes included) were drug and/or alcohol addicts and have become role models for others.
Category: Deal
7. Cheated on a Spouse(s)/Boyfriend(s)
Although women can do this ONE time to ONE man and there could be a plethora of reasons why she did. In the end, what’s to make you think she won’t do it to you as soon as things go sour? Whereas she may not, and could be as loyal as the family pet (for lack of a better term), but would you want to take that chance?
Category: No Deal
So fellas of OM, do you agree with this list? What are some other possible deal breakers for you? While going for a girl, what was that one thing she used to do that killed it for you? Under what conditions would you tolerate it? Ladies of OM, what are some of the deal breakers you’ve heard from men?
Stay tuned for the MEN’s version of salty past deal breakers.
#peace
Post title Update on 01/15/19. Originally entitled, “Should a Woman’s Salty Past be a Deal breaker?”
Cortonio
My motto is, "Live, love and laugh". Check me out in the "Men Behind The Pen" section on OpinionatedMale.com.
28 Comments
hershykiss
The most common deal breaker I’ve heard from male friends, is the amount of sex partners a woman has had. In my personal opinion I think it’s a double standard. Men are expected to be MEN, and smash as many women who will let them. Unfortunately if a woman exhibits the same behavior, she’s a whore. Smh. It’s sad. That’s why I will never disclose my number. 10 times out of 10, it won’t be believed anyway. My lips are sealed.
Cortonio
Well if you met a man who had 20+ women under his belt regardless of what the expectations are is that a deal breaker? Men are called ‘man whores’ for those things but it’s true women are held to a different standard. I guess it’s because the # of men entering a woman is more ‘gross’ than a man entering a woman. i dunno.
hershykiss
I wouldn’t consider it a deal breaker, as long as he’s healthy std and disease free, none of those women I know personally, I’m okay with it. However, I would rather not know a number. Let me pretend you learned all the sexual moves from your babysitter at 12 and I’m your second and last..lol
K.Ferdinand
Lol Is/ was a stripper is my joint! To keep it real I always tell women I date that my past is my past, and it doesn’t concern them. The real deal breaker in a relationship is if her past life imposes on the relationship that were trying to develop. But at the end of the day issues will not be addressed until I F**k anyway!
God bless the strippers…lol
Cortonio
LoL @ God bless strippers, unless they’re bullet hole/cigarette burns/stretch mark ones right…So brother K, all joking aside let’s say….. Theresa used to be Terry, or if Carla used to be Carlos would that sway you at all? What about if #4 on the list? You still trying to poke? Me personally I get the physical aspect of it, but if you’re a decent looking guy, have all your stuff together, and can get the job done in the bedroom what’s to say those same type of females wouldn’t become strung, or YOU perhaps get your nose open because the cutty is fabulous and want’s more? All of a sudden you’re finding out any of those. What do you do?
@Diomedes617
To suggest that a person can ignore the past of there significant other is wishful thinking. I certainly think that people with the above histories ( or similar) should to be transparent if they aspire to form lasting relationships; however, you need to at least get your foot in the door first. Having been to jail or cheating on previous lovers isn’t necessarily a deal breaker depending on the context in which these things occurred (wonder what she got locked for.) Everything else on the list puts a person at a decided disadvantage. I won’t get into the risk involved with the whole transgender deal…
@Diomedes617 on Twitter
Cortonio
So would any of the aforementioned be a big deal to you to the point where you wouldn’t want to get to know them more perhaps on an intimate level? I’ve been told by brothers that females have been slinging cutty all throughout time, even those who claim to be ‘bible thumpers’ so why should it be different now? What’s your take on that?
Mr SoBo
Welcome to the OM.
*rolls out red carpet*
sweets
We’re all human and make mistakes, multiple partners wouldn’t bother me cause I NEVER ask…that’s truly like opening a flood gate lol. Transgender no thank u, but to each his own, addictions are easier to handle if a person is honest.. Same with stripping & incarceration. Cheating… Tough one but I don’t judge
Cortonio
Welcome to OM sweets…You are right we are all human and make mistakes but as long as it’s consistent on both ends. If a woman is going to chastise a man’s number of partners then why should a man accept hers? You are right though, I do believe in the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy”
Shy Fran
I think it’s unrealistic not to consider a person’s past when deciding to enter a relationship. IMO, a person’s past gives more insight to who they are/were at least at that moment in time.
Also, I don’t understand why strippers are viewed so much worse than people with questionable body counts. Like how can you have 30+ bodies but look down on a chick who stripped (not tricked) 1 year out of her entire life….especially if her actions show that dancing is definitely a thing of the past?
Slightly off subject, how do you guys view character flaws? Like what if a potential mate got pregnant on purpose to maintain a relationship? I see that as an “automatic drop” but I’m seeing that that is not the same view that men have. Just wondering.
Mr SoBo
“And, I don’t understand why strippers are viewed so much worse than people with questionable body counts. Like how can you have 30+ bodies but look down on a chick who stripped…”
…or prostituted for that matter. Apparently its disgraceful for a woman to place a price tag on her vagina. Therefore, casually giving it away just as often but for FREE is clearly the more self-respecting way to go about life. I guess it’s better to be charitable…So give generously. *shrugs*
“…how do you guys view character flaws? Like what if a potential mate got pregnant on purpose to maintain a relationship?”
1) She gots ta go. That is a clear sign you are dealing with a person who will stop at nothing to get what they want.
2) I imagine that the men who do stay do so because they feel trapped. Hence the phrase, “She trapped him”. A sense of obligation to the relationship as it pertains to their unborn child is why some men stay. Some call it selflessness. Others call it stupidity. Perhaps its a combination of both.
Other factors to be considered in such a scenario are the length of time the couple has been together and the nature of their relationship (committed/future vs casual). The answer to those questions play a key role in the decision of the man to stay with the ‘trapper’ or to bail (on her, not the child).
t-roy
“i guess its better to be charitable”
Cortonio
If a woman ‘trapped’ me with a baby to save the relationship, you might as well add me to the “baby-daddy” roster because I am not sticking around no way no how—not for her. And if she had a child when I met her by those nefarious means, I’d have to re-think of moving forward with her. That’s almost synonymous–ALMOST as a man who has a venereal disease, and knowingly has unprotected sex with a woman. That’s not cool on any level. Maybe that is a bit stretching it as far as comparisons go but you catch my drift. Having a child should not be used as a means to save a faltering relationship. Sorry.
Cortonio
Shy Fran and any other ladies who are reading and care to comment I have a question: If you met said guy, got to know him and soon started dating. you get serious and one day THAT conversation pops up. He says to you I have bedded 30 women. Now do you stick with him feeling that you’ve trained him because he was a wild tiger but now he’s with you only? Or do you let him go? If you two had it out would it bother you to the point where you would remind him that he was a ‘MWhore’ (Man Whore)
Shy Fran
Unless its a ridiculous number, I’m not that concerned about the number of women that a man has had sex with. I understand that it is a double standard, but women act like we don’t have double standards that work in our favor too. It is what it is.
I am more concerned with the type of woman that he would wife. If he’s comfortable wifing women who IMO have loose morals (excessive lying, manipulation tactics, etc) then I would lose respect for him way faster than the guy who has had sex with 30+ women.
Mr SoBo
*nods head in agreement*
Women generally are unconcerned with a man’s sexual partner count. I’ve observed that the focus tends to be on how well he treats his present woman. This can be attributed to the expectations women have been raised to have of men – which is that men will always have a significant body count.
t-roy
not true Im 23 never been promiscuous never will be. I expect the same from my partner I dont mind if some bees buzzed around my honey pot but not the whole damn hive. I ask my but count is low and I expect the same its reflects that me and her might have similar belief systems about sex and who you should engage in that act with. High body count for me= deal breaker. There are plenty of quality of women with low counts thats who I want.
Cortonio
I totally agree and it’s a shame that society has taught us or tried to indoctrinate into us is that it’s okay to be promiscuous or ‘players’–for men anyway. And to hear your view is refreshing meanwhile I liked your analogy.
Welcome to Opinionated Male
Mr SoBo
My question is this: unless you’ve been in the bedroom with said/any woman from the moment she lost her virginity to the time you meet her (and even thereafter), how will you ever know how many partners she has had to make such a determination?
You will inevitably have to rely on one of two things: what she claims her experience has been or your own assumption/judgment based on your assessment of her. And as it would have it, both are rather unreliable.
Chop it up to the tootsie roll phenomenon. How many partners she has had is the equivalent to the mystery of how many licks it takes to get to the center of the tootsie roll pop. The world will never know. Cuz Mr. Owl said so.
In short, you can only HOPE, but realistically the average woman has slept with more men than you would probably care for. Thats just a fact of modern life we gotta deal with, gentlemen.
Good day.
t-roy
Not at all most modern women are still classy and have had their share but not their whole take of men. AND TRUST!! If I know her then I trust her and shell be honest as will I. I am not shaming women who do have a high count, ill holla, but dont expect me to take you too seriously.
Mr SoBo
“…most modern women are still classy and have had their share but not their whole take of men.”
And you know this how exactly?
I can appreciate your optimism. However, the reality is the only person on earth that will ever know a woman’s sexual experience is that woman. Having hope and trust in someone doesn’t guarantee honesty in return. So unless she has hash markings on her back for every partner she has had, you are sh*t out of luck my friend.
What do you consider to be a “whole take of men” for women in the age range you date?
Cortonio
agreed. Most women will never truly admit to you how many they have and it’s extremely hard to tell, especially if a woman used to have that lifestyle and she’s working her hardest to settle and stick to one man and one only. So you’ll never really know
t-roy
optimistic no, benefit of the doubt yes.
E.B. Davis
Another great read!
Cortonio
Thank you brother…
t-roy
are yall the only two updating this site?? you all have a potential uranium mine on your hands.
Cortonio
Thanks, assuming that is a compliment