There’s nothing more commonplace in a relationship than disagreements (Unless you two share a brain. And that’s not healthy…..to ME anyway. I can’t speak for or on anyone else). There are some disagreements that end when both parties simply agree to disagree. There are simple debates, and then there are outright arguments. Truth be told, they can sometimes become very debilitating and detrimental to relationships.
Allow me to preface this by stating there’s nothing wrong with arguments sometimes. They can be healthy as it’s showing that you both are indeed human – not perfect – and just are opposite in some ways. In addition, it demonstrates that you are willing to fight for each other because if one doesn’t care to argue at all, that’s not a good sign.
Now, while it being healthy and ‘okay’ to engage in some arguments, here are some of the ones you should avoid.
1. Getting personal/ hitting below the belt
Him: “Lisa can you listen to me for once and stop having the first, last, and every word in between, let’s be logical here.”
Her: “Ummm Terrell, can you get a job for once? How about stop being broke for once? How about making me c*m for once cuz you damn sure aint doin’ that?!”
Readers we’ve been there. So you’re having it out with your honey and out of nowhere you get that low blow. That ball shot. That numbing pain from her (of him) hitting you below the belt and you’re defenseless because:
A) You weren’t expecting it in the least as it came from out of nowhere.
B) It could actually be true.
There aren’t really any rules to arguing since raw human emotion may likely come into play and caution then thrown to the wind. Hitting below the belt – while some things can be said purely out of anger – is just a total lack of respect for your mate plain and simple. Again, to reiterate my point, there aren’t any ‘rules’ per se’ in arguments.
On the flip side of that coin, there are boundaries you shouldn’t cross. And over time, engaging in that type of banter can result in your partner becoming very resentful towards you which will lead to serious issues within the relationship. After all, would you want to communicate with your partner or point something out knowing you’re in for a verbal whipping?
2. Bringing up old relationship issues
Imagine this: The two of you had a simple spat and it could have been over anything. However, you managed to fight it out, agree to squash it and even engaged in make-up sex (which is always great). Fast forward some months later and you two are at it again over another matter. You are expressing your points, even on the verge of even winning (which is virtually impossible with a woman) and then she hits you with that old issue you thought was squashed months prior. And you’re stuck asking yourself, “What in the hell is happening”? And at the same time trying to wrap your brain around the fact that you two fixed the problem – or so you thought.
So why is it resurfacing? Why even do this? Make sure whatever issue you had is put out to pasture. Period.
To draw a connection, would you want to dig back in the trash for food that is already thrown away?
3. Washing someone’s face
Here’s the difference: You’re reminding someone of the positive things you’ve done if they’re short-changing you, as opposed to blatantly making the other person feel inferior because you did a positive favor for them. Here are two examples of what I mean:
Him: “Tanya, you were home all day and couldn’t have dinner ready for me when I got home, I mean damn I AM tired. All I wanted was to come home to a hot meal.”
Her: “Really Derek? Seriously? Last time I checked I took the kids to school, cleaned the house, picked them up, took them to their after school program, did grocery shopping and oh yeah was with our six month old all day so the ONE time I didn’t have dinner ready you’re giving me this? That’s not fair.”
Him: “Hold up Nikki what do you mean I don’t do sh*t for Gabriel? Yes I missed getting him yesterday, you got that. Don’t forget I pick him up from day care everyday, give you money every week without fail, and keep him on the weekends. I’m doing all I can here.”
Her: “Tyrone who does he live with? Who feeds him? Clothes him? Takes him to the doctor? Uhhh not YOU. Like I said, YOU DON”T DO SH*T! And lemme tell you, don’t start doing our son like YOUR father did to you!”
See the difference. Tanya was being shortchanged and under-appreciated as to what she can and does contribute to the household. And she was merely reminding Derek of her contributions, and rightfully so. In the case of Tyrone in the second scenario, all he did was make an attempt to explain and justify himself as a solid father. For his efforts he was met with not only a low blow but a painful reminder of his father’s lackluster parenting.
4. Involving a 3rd party in your relationship
Involving someone else in your disputes usually is a recipe for disaster. It’s one thing to vent sometimes to a close friend, MAYBE your folks (that can be a slippery slope), but actually involving them is a no bueno. When you have an argument it should be disputed and settled by you and your significant other only.
5. Cursing at each other
Brothers, Gents, Fellas I have a word of advice for you (and yes the softer sex does it too) but please refrain from using foul language during a dispute with your honey. I have seen many an argument where there have been copious amounts of the ‘B’ word being used with a few “Fcuk you’s” thrown in for *ahem* good measure. That’s not cool at all, and it can be hurtful.
I have been guilty of doing it, although it’s within the content of the argument i.e “That’s bullshyt” or “That was fcuked up” which isn’t much better. All in all that’s unacceptable on both ends and you should be able to express yourself and make your point across without using profanity towards each other.
Well that’s my take on verbal disputes. Readers what are your thoughts on my thoughts? Any type of spat that I missed?
Updated on 01/15/19, Post originally entitled, “5 Worst Types of Arguments Couples Should Avoid”