4 Comments

Is your foreplay bad or bougie? Dating skills savage or clueless? – My thoughts on these, meeting bae’s parents, and long distance lovin’

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[Admin Note: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss KK. Take it away!]

Thank you sir. Well, let’s get to it shall we?

Is foreplay overrated?

Are you one of those people that skips the pre-workout stretch? Shoves your rump roast in the oven before its fully pre-heated? Like to put stuff together before reading the instructions? Then you might also be one of those folks that omits foreplay because you don’t see the use for it. OK, so that might be a leap, but at the very least people may vary by degrees in regards to foreplay. There are some of us ready to go without provocation like a prisoner fresh out the clink. Some need their fire stoked, and others still need kerosene and a box of matches to get their fire started. Personally, the idea of having digits or solid plastic or metal blunt objects shoved in me like I’m a Thanksgiving turkey getting stuffed (te he!) is the opposite of sexy. Nonetheless, I highly value foreplay. It shows you care about what pleases your mate and making them happy. If its your first time with a new lover, its a great way to gauge the follow up. If there’s a great deal of fumbling, pushing, and shoving then you don’t have to go further because (insert the most feasible excuse to leave immediately here). If its proper, then that stretching that we spoke about earlier will come in handy.

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There will be times when your passion foregoes the need for foreplay but a great deal of people appreciate it regularly. Some people want the full gambit you know: foot rub, back rub, role playing, etc. Others are satisfied with a long speech from a great orator or cunning linguist. Bottom line: if you’re doing it, you aren’t doing it well without foreplay. If you want a second go at the rodeo then your beats and eats better be tailored specifically to your special lady.

When is the best time to bring the boo to meet the parents?

MeetTheFockers-Parents-OpinionatedMale.com

I like to think that I’m pretty good at discerning things: when a cake is done, when its going to rain, how “gifted” a new love interest may be. But when it comes to knowing the right moment to bring the new boo to meet the ‘rents I’m about as useful as an afro pick in Al Sharpton’s grooming kit. Here’s the thing – soon after a gentleman meets my parents, we’re caput. This is both good and bad. Bad because I no longer have someone to watch Netflix with. Good because parents oftentimes in their infinite wisdom know when the guy you’re dating isn’t right for you. All of those once cute quirks (not answering your call after 11pm, not knowing exactly where he works at, being asked to be a cosigner for a new BMW) are suddenly red flags. Your parents, if they love you, wont let you walk down that path, even if Netflix is at the end of it.

That being said, the quality of that person will dictate your readiness to introduce them to your family. If they aren’t a smash n’ dash, he knows your middle name, and you hang out during daylight hours then you’re headed in the right direction. If your love interest introduces you to their friends, family, and children first and you two have both invested a few months of serious exclusive dating, then they might be okay. I’ve heard there’s also just a feeling one gets when its “right”. Since its nothing like knowing when your cake is done, I cant speak on that with authority. All I know is you both better be in it for the long haul because once parents get involved, you’re either going to sail through life’s storms together or jump ship.

Long Distance Relationships

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Ahh…the long distance relationship – made popular by Westerns, romance novels, and jailbirds alike. While some of these things aren’t as relevant to today’s culture, it still has its place. There’s something both nostalgic and romantic about long distance relationships that seems to transcend our current shallow microwave society. It forces you to really hone your communication skills and come up with more creative ways to keep your significant other’s attention aside from / or in addition to texted pictures of certain body parts in different stages of arousal. It can also serve as a great barometer of how much you truly value that person and their presence in your life. It can cause you to come face to face with tough adult decisions. Do you stay separated or do you move? Do you make changes in your life to allow them to move closer to you? Do you both both go somewhere neither of you have ever been to to build a new life together? Do you give up? See? Much more serious than deciding which bar you’re going to frequent tonight.

LongDistanceRelationships-OpinionatedMale.com

In a serious relationship where distance becomes a factor after you’re settled in the groove of things, then establish a time frame for the distance to shorten. To avoid placing undue strain on your relationship, six months to a year tops sounds reasonable to figure that out. If you meet someone and distance is in the mix from the start, determine what you want from the person and set the same parameters based on your decision. No matter how romantic or nostalgic a long distance relationship may start off, all good things must come to an end eventually. Whether that’s a happy ending depends on your tolerance and ability to go the distance.

Online Dating

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There’s a reason why people pay money to have an online dating account. You can choose a possible mate simply by looking at a profile picture, use a single finger to find out his likes and dislikes, favorite team and color, what his religious belief is, how many kids he has and how many times he’s been married all without putting on a stitch of clothing, make up or pretentiousness. WINNING! You can censor and limit your interactions with one or several people until you’re ready to meet them. The awkward uncertainty of figuring out if the person you’re dating is really into you is somewhat eased because after all, you cyber stalk each other before you even have a phone conversation let alone meeting in person.Now for the cons. In addition to creating an unnecessary expense, online dating further cripples social skills and redefines how humans interact with each other in a very sterile and negative way. You don’t get impressed by his aura or intrigued by her laughter as these are things only experienced in person. Which brings me to my next point. Until you meet in person, you don’t really know with whom you’re talking to. Remember when his profile read 2 kids? That was a typo; he meant 12. And she really is voluptuous, from the neck up. From the neck down, she’s just ….plain. I think I’ve made my point.

Seriously though, if he looks like Idris Elba, has his masters, loves to travel and is a 5 time regional rubik’s cube champion, why is he paying $39.95 to meet people online???

So…

Have any of you actually delved into the world of online love? Made the long trek to see a boo thang? Had a ‘Gaylord Focker’ moment? Into foreplay or nah? Drop me a line.

– Miss. KK

Miss. KK considers herself a true southerner at heart with an undying love for all things glazed and covered in gravy. When she’s not harassing her baby boy with hugs and kisses, she enjoys napping, Rubik’s cubes and Agatha Christie novels.

4 comments on “Is your foreplay bad or bougie? Dating skills savage or clueless? – My thoughts on these, meeting bae’s parents, and long distance lovin’

  1. Miss K.K.
    As I was reading this post I thought, wow I could be writing this. Then I found out you are a true southerner who loves things covered in gravy (are those two things synonymous?) AND you love Agatha Christie novels and napping? The only thing I don’t have is a son! Anyway I wish I could have printed this post out and just passed it on to a couple of people before I wasted my time, but there are no do overs. Too bad too many men have no concept of foreplay and I am WAY beyond the point of being interested in teaching anyone. So celibacy it is!

    • Hi Soulflower! So nice to meet a kindred spirit and even better to know that you see yourself in the article. This site was created to spark conversation and I’m so glad you got things started. Since we are soulmates, I am proud to say I too am on the celibacy journey since having wrote this piece and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m quite pleased with my choice, actually. That being said, don’t hesitate to steer a new love interest to this article to at least give them the heads up on how they should roll.
      And while gravy and Southerness are not synonymous, I don’t know any Southerner that doesn’t enjoy gravy or sauce. Thoroughly.
      Thanks for your comment!

      Ms. KK

  2. Question: Why after meeting the parents the netflix ‘outings’ are done? As you stated “I no longer have no one to watch netflix with”.

    And I think most dudes are down with foreplay (especially if she’s a savant at it) however some brothas are just plain lazy and just want instant penetration. <—– which is fine if you're sneaking off to perform a quickie, but otherwise no bueno.

  3. Reblogged this on Melanated Musings and commented:
    Check out some of my other thoughts at OpinionatedMale!

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