Yes She Cheated – How do you Handle Her Infidelity?
It’s been a few weeks now and things seem different. The affection has waned. You’re not seeing each other as much (even if you live together there’s not much quality time), and the sex has not only curtailed but it doesn’t feel the same. You ask and she says things like, “I’m okay just going through some things” or “I just haven’t been feeling myself lately”. After all, we all have our days right? We go through our personal ruts so nothing to see here …correct? You’ve tried talking about it but she continues to insist nothing is wrong.
As days go by things continue as they were and you’re not feeling a positive vibe at all. Something is wrong but you just can’t put your finger on it. You try to rationalize several different things going on and then it hits you in the face. You get up one night to use the bathroom, and before you walk out the room you hear her phone vibrating. You’re not thinking much of it, so you continue on your way. When you get back, her phone has vibrated again. “It’s 2:00 in the morning, who is calling or texting her?” you ask yourself.
Now, you’re not the type to check up after your woman and you’re pretty secure with your relationship yet your instincts is telling you to check it anyway. And coupled with the way things have been going you figure to go ahead and do it. You pick up the phone, which happens to be unlocked and your fears have been confirmed:
2:03 am – Hey sexy, u up? Was just thinking about you. 😉
2:04 am – U at the crib? Can I cum thru?
2:07 am – Btw, the other night…Damn! Anyway let me know.
Your heart is racing, your mind is running a million miles an hour and you’re gripped with confusion, shock, and then anger. You put down the phone thinking about your next move. Changing your mind, you get the phone again, forward the message to your phone and proceed to walk over to the bed, wake her up and confront her. After questioning her actions it’s been officially confirmed, she’s been messing around with someone. She tells you it’s no one you know as if that’s going to be a consolation prize. She then breaks down, cries and apologizes repeatedly. Staying as calm as possible you ask her to leave.
So after all that, now what? You’re sitting in your bed wondering what the fcuk just happened. How did this happen? When? How long had this been going on? What am I going to tell people? Or do I?
Cheating is wrong on a lot of levels. I understand people in relationships/marriages have rough patches and stumbling blocks but what are you gaining after stepping out and engaging in a bout of passion? Perhaps it can be rationalized as one of the following:
* At times you may feel unwanted / unappreciated and you want to see if you still got ‘it’.
* Perhaps you’re not getting enough physical satisfaction.
* You may have met your match sexually but you’re just greedy.
* You feel wronged so the best revenge is to go out and get some.
* There’s certain things that he/she won’t do, so you go elsewhere to someone who will.
So on to answer the question what to do…Do you let things cool off and accept her apology and take her back? Do you move on and chalk it up to the game? You did forward the text to your phone, so do you call the other man and get at him?
You loved this woman and the notion of having to start all over again may not be the most intriguing. Having to learn someone all over again, their likes, dislikes, quirks, etc, is not as easy as one may think. If you take her back you’re always going to have what she did in the back of your mind and it’ll take a time to rebuild the trust and love you once had. If you let her go you may have missed out on an opportunity of sincere reconciliation and things may have become much better moving forward.
And as far as calling the brother, confronting him and having that sense of accomplishment after doing so, is he REALLY to blame? A man is only going to go as far as a woman let’s him. And in this case he did, period. In addition, it’s not as though he was your homeboy or relative.
Tough questions all around or maybe not.
So OM readers what is your take of this situation? Why do you think people feel the absolute need to step out? What should one do in this situation? What have you done? How do we solve this conundrum called love and betrayal? Talk to me.
peace and love
Updated on 01/15/19, Post originally entitled, “So She Cheated, Now What’s a Man to Do?”
She gots to go!
so motrenaissance why do you think women ( or people) cheat though? Do you have any additions or subtractions from the above reasons?
I’d say you gotta talk 1st. See if it can be worked on. If not, move one…
How long would you wait before you can talk? Would that be your gut instinct/reaction
I’m curious to know what that conversation would be like.
Welcome to the OM
*Rolls out red carpet*
She has got to go homie, point blank period.
Welcome to the OM
*Rolls out red carpet*
It comes to the double standard of communication: where they expect more information out of us yet we are to be the best detectives to what they mean when they say contradictory or double-meaning expressions. The truth is, they do not want to be accountable for their words and actions with YOU. They do NOT miscommunicate to people that are important to them like their boss or kids — they can be pretty direct with them because their money and kids apparently are more important. But, you shared each others BODIES and affections and YOU’RE the one she can’t be direct with? Anyone that reckless to share sex and not be totally honest with the other person the way they want you to be honest is someone who hasn’t matured to the level of someone you want to build a future with. And it is not your job, at the risk of your heart and self-worth, to “school” them on how to love when you’ve already graduated from booty-call high-school to monogamy college (metaphorically speaking).
This comment is too good for its own good. Likely more powerful than you know.
Welcome to the OM
*Rolls out red carpet*
Oooo that is a heavy topic..All of the above felt feelings/emotions after discovering you’ve been cheated on Cortonio are spot on! I think I’ve said it here before, but it happened once to me with my ex-husband..My immediate reaction? I wanted him out & wanted a divorce..Which btw I went through with..But, I was alot younger then…I don’t think things are quite black and white as I felt back then..There IS gray area; on many matters..Especially with relationships..Not to say that even to this day I’d be able to easily deal with a cheating incident…Variables matter now though..Had I been able to process things with less emotion back then? I’d have realized that he was involved in a physical relationship (outside of our marriage) & not an emotional bond..I had, we both had, invested alot into our relationship & marriage..He wanted to go to marital counseling after the incident..I didn’t , nor did I , because I felt it was HIS problem…In hindsight cheating is never just one person’s issue in a 2 party relationship..It is a problem with the relationship. I know many people whose relationships have survived a cheating incident..Even gotten stronger! Because their love got through it…So, if the same circumstances were to happen(length of marriage, children, time & property invested, and in love…) I’d first try marital counseling..If that wasn’t successful then the marriage/relationship would have to end. Least we’d have attempted to save something worth saving & fighting for..I was shocked when I discovered how many long-term relationships/marriages had survived cheating..People don’t often speak on such topics but when they do; wow! As for chronic cheating? Not that I’m hoping any type of cheating ever happens to me again..But, I’d see nothing worth saving in a relationship with a chronic cheater. Loved reading this perspective from the male viewpoint ..I’m going to re-blog it to see if more women will add their 2 cents 🙂
They always say experience is the best teacher, and the results if the matter depend on the person and circumstances. Some are willing to make it to work, some are quick to cut bait so to speak. I’m curious to see how the responses are when/if you re-blog. As always thanks for your continued readership