What Men Desire: A Woman’s Guide to Being a Good Catch
I’ve come to realize that I have had way too many conversations about relationships with women. Between those real life conversations and the bevy of side-eye inducing social media commentary, one thing is for certain – every one of these lovely women considers herself a great catch. Successful. Intelligent. Attractive. Independent and exceptional in bed. According to them, it doesn’t get any better than that. Curiously enough however, apparently it does…according to those men who didn’t answer their relationship call. Is it possible all those men got it wrong?
So what’s the problem? Clearly the sexes view life through different lenses. And that’s okay ladies. So although you may feel you have it ‘going on’, it might be helpful to at least understand the qualities men are truly drawn to and how you measure up. There may be a few qualities you either over/undervalued that are keeping you slightly out of reach of being considered a ‘good catch’.
As subjective as this is, let’s look at some key characteristics that could mean the difference between you being considered ‘a good catch’ or just a ‘good time’.
‘Entitlementality’
Not a real word, but you understand it just the same. You are indeed special. However, so is he. You are just as privileged to be in his company as he is in yours. The onus to ‘impress’ is not solely on his shoulders. If the interest is mutual, you both are responsible for bringing something to the table. And no, your bedroom acumen is not among those table worthy items and will never serve as a substitute for great personality and strong character.
Furthermore, any willingness to give up the booty has never and will never entitle you to a relationship. So sex wisely.
Bottom line: A woman that understands that she isn’t owed anything for simply existing has the upper hand on her competition and is a breath of fresh air.
Acceptance of Self
You can break every mirror in your home to avoid facing your reflection. You can delude yourself into seeing only the good in yourself. You can train your mind to forget your shortcomings. But no matter how hard you try, you will never succeed in running from yourself. If you cannot be truthful with yourself about yourself, it will be impossible for you to be truthful with your man about you.
You’re human. No one is perfect, nor is any man expecting you to be. How could he when he too is imperfect? So allow that man to accept you for who you are. The real you…flaws and all. Otherwise, you’re selling a dream that one day he will wake up from. And so will begin your nightmare once you realize you lost out on a good man.
Personal Responsibility
Yes, the dreaded “A” word. Accountability. As much as you may be tired of hearing it, trust me, men are just as tired of saying it. But it is extremely true ladies. The ‘V’ in vagina does not stand for “Victim perpetually”. When you make a poor choice (especially one that affects your relationship or partner in some way), own it. It’s okay. It won’t kill you to do so. In fact, it is not only good for any relationship you’re in, it is exceptionally good for you.
Being able to accept responsibility means you are less likely to excuse irresponsibility. It is a sign of maturity and realistic thinking which men undoubtedly appreciate far more than the alternative – needless frustration.
Discipline
Principles are promises you make to yourself to govern your behavior. Discipline is how well you keep those promises. Of course there are moments that call for flexibility of your principles given certain situations you are faced with. However, if you find yourself constantly or egregiously compromising your principles, you have to ask yourself: “Whats more important to me: What I want to do, or what I need to do”?
My point is this: if you lack the discipline to uphold promises you make to yourself, how can any man place faith in the promises you make to your relationship or to him?
Life Skills
Degrees are a very nice personal accomplishment. They do wonders for your academic accolades, career advancement and earning potential. But as impressive as they are (and they are impressive), they have nothing to do with how good of a girlfriend/wife you are or will be to your significant other. Because of this we don’t give a damn about your wall of degrees as it pertains to our relationship with you. What we do give a damn about is your ability to help turn the house we purchased together into an actual home. Preferably one filled with plenty of love and well adjusted children.
By all means this is not reducing your academic accomplishments and life’s purpose to that of a simple homemaker. However, in your journey to advance yourself academically to take on the world, don’t neglect your education in basic life skills. Yes, I am talking specifically about household management (cooking, cleaning etc). The ability to take care of and sustain yourself as an independent woman is desirable because it is transferable to family life down the road. Your degrees are merely icing on the cake.
Passion & Desire
It’s not the degrees that make you attractive, it’s everything behind it – your dedication, focus and passion.A woman that sets personal goals in any arena (not just academically) and makes strides to accomplish them is hands down attractive. From small goals, to much larger life goals, being in a perpetual state of growth and self improvement is in fact a turn on. You don’t need a degree to prove you are a goal smashing, driven individual. All you need is ambition.
A woman with aspiration is an inspiration to her man and her family.
Transparency
So you’ve accepted yourself. Good. Now mean what you say and say what you mean, not what you believe sounds good. Whether you are a serial monogamist or a serial bed hopperist, try not blur the lines of your dating intentions and circumstances. He may or may not be on the same page as you (and that’s okay), but at a minimum he will respect you for your transparency. So be real. Otherwise it’s game playing, and that will make all the difference in the level of respect that man has for you and consequently how he treats you.
Play at your own risk. The choice is yours.
And there it is folks. A few examples of what constitutes a “Good catch” in a man’s eyes. Remember ladies, what we require from you has little to do with what you can do for us, but rather the type of person that you are to us. <- Let that marinate.
So my Opinionated family, your thoughts: Do you agree/disagree? Ladies, what do you think? Fellas, help the ladies understand – what makes a woman a ‘Good Catch’ in your eyes versus just a ‘Good Time’? Sound off!!
P.S. Check out what one young woman has to say about being a good catch in her write up “Reasons You’re A Good Catch And Still Single“. Written by OM’s resident commenter Berna on her blog (Berna’s Vibe The Way I See It), she has given a woman’s perspective thats well worth the read!
Cheers.
Updated on 01/15/19, Post originally entitled, “What Men Really Want: A Woman’s Guide to Being a Good Catch”
7 Comments
bernasvibe
I’m glad to see you did indeed decide to post your piece on this topic Short on time but I couldn’t resist stopping in it read it . I love it! Can’t wait to join in the conversation ..
bernasvibe
Finally back to piggy-back on my first comment…
I totally agree that the topic of who is/isn’t a catch is subjective..And then also out there are folks(both men & women) who care less about attributes & it is all about looks and money! However, some of us are seeking substance..At the end of the day no matter how many things men or women have on their checklist?(I readily admit I have a list..) What you don’t see on alot of list(but its on mine ..) is how I feel when I’m spending time or speaking with my man..That matters! Said person could have all the ‘catch’ qualities & yet when you’re with them you just don’t feel good vibes…Or that rush of butterflies that hits your tummy when you’re going to see him/her again..Maybe I’m just a romantic at heart(which I also admit) but I think that should be on the ‘catch’ list as well.
I fell out laughing when I read the term@ bed hopperist..Did you make that up ? I’d never heard that one before..Made up a word or two when I’m caught up writing sometimes myself..Called berna’isms lol! Keep doing your thing because y’all do it well! And I’ll be peeking in soon 🙂
Francis Roy
When young women are asked “What do you want in a man” they’ll usually list something along the lines of “A nice guy who makes me laugh.” This is usually a very incomplete picture. What they typically mean is “A nice guy who makes me laugh” and a dozen other unspoken, “well, of course” qualities. When a man is asked what he wants in a woman, he’ll typically respond with “A beautiful woman” and this article lists his presupposed qualities. Men, especially young men, expect women to embody the virtues he exhibits as a given, and often gets lost when he finds that she does not embody such simple elements such as self-acceptance (it becomes his job to make her feel this way or that), understanding that life is built, not given, that she have fundamental life skills, etc.
The value of this article is that it highlights the unspoken needs of many men. We can only build our lives–and a better world–if we are insightful about our own needs and desires, and are able to express them. Failure to do so is failure not only to find women of character and quality, but to promote to them the notion of what we expect of them, if they are looking for a substantial partner.
Mr SoBo
“We can only build our lives–and a better world–if we are insightful about our own needs and desires, and are able to express them”
That is precisely it. Well said. It would make so much of a difference in our relationships if everyone made it a point to acquire such personal knowledge and were able to convey it honestly and without fear of judgment. So much b.s. would be avoided.
Welcome to the OM.
*rolls out red carpet*
Finally
I don’t think many young (and some not so young) men have been taught/trained to acquire such insight. Not saying all women have it and don’t need training on relationships because indeed we do, but we are more willling to actively seek it out. We are often taught about our women’s intuition and not to ignore or discount it. It can give us an inkling in many situations that most men don’t get right away. They seem to be taught first about conquest, sowing wild oats, boys will be boys, it’s the girls responsibility to protect herself, etc. type mentality. Or if they’re taught, it stops at, don’t get her pregnant, don’t take advantage of her, or more often, don’t let her take advantage of you, don’t be a punk, don’t drink and drive, don’t don’t don’t don’t. … Then, as a result, they seem to be ok with the trial and error method of doing relationships, which in and of itself isn’t necessarily wrong, but it leads to lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings, heartache/break and sometimes more permanent stuff like self-doubt, debt, disease and unexpected offspring who then have to be taken care of, forever, whether or not the relationship is pleasant or mutually satisfactory. When are we gonna make sure we’re teaching what TO do, except “get mine” or “do you”, whatever that means???? If we get back to or begin anew w instilling the importance of training our young people to have good character, honesty, integrity, wisdom and honor, of God, self, and all humanity, the insight will come. They’ll almost never learn this at any modern American public school. This type of learning must be taught at home and consistently reinforced by honorable men, and women, in their lives. We gotta do better, be better!
Mr SoBo
“When are we gonna make sure we’re teaching what TO do, except “get mine” or “do you”, whatever that means???? If we get back to or begin anew w instilling the importance of training our young people to have good character, honesty, integrity, wisdom and honor, of God, self, and all humanity, the insight will come. “
Today’s generation of parents have collectively failed their children in a myriad of ways. Too many of today’s parenting revolves around rearing children on how to ‘get over’ as opposed to actually being ‘good’ people; especially when it comes to dealing with members of the opposite sex.
Secondly, the reality is that society will have its own set of values and influences that typically tend to counter the values you listed above. Unfortunately, the family homes are not effectively combatting what the rest of mainstream society is spewing and our children are essentially swept up in the vapid, superficial and self-serving themes which eventually influences how they view themselves and each other. Specifically how boys view boys, how boys view girls and vice versa.
I agree, we have to do better. Perhaps if we taught our children to actually care about one another, it would avoid much of the issues we see at present.
Finally
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart. Studies have shown, in spite of all the whining, flack and talking back, children want and seek direction from parents first. They may go and do their own thing at times, even if it’s “wrong” or not necessarily in what an adult would say is in their best interests. BUT that’s part of becoming a well-rounded, competent and capable, in(ter)dependent, self-confident adult. There’s no way around that. Also, not everyone will “turn out right” according to high standards, social acceptable mores and parental guidance. But the ones who do end up on the positive side are the ones who value the lessons learned at home, whether parents lead by example (the ideal situation), or lead by showing a child how their (parents) bad decisions lead to unpleasant consequences, usually for the entire family. Honor thy father and mother that your days may be long in the earth. The only way to teach them to care about one another is for adults to care more about one another, preferably enough to commit to one another, before the children get here! If not, at the vey least, care enough about each other to care for the kids by being good responsible, affectionate, reliable co-parents. Kids learn by mimicking what they see long before they learn to do what adults say.