And in Last Place Here Comes Mr. Nice Guy, Again. But Why?
Ladies have you ever been with a guy who does everything the ‘right way’ but you seem to tire of him quickly? Have you ever been with a guy who’s a pure gentlemen and damn near kisses the ground you walk on but still not enough? Ok well let’s peep the following scenario shall we?
Cliff, a high school principal, is a handsome guy in his early 30’s. He makes good money, has no children and owns a dog. He is somewhere between a gold and platinum if you read the 1st article “All gold Everything: What Type of Man are you Dating?“. Deidre who is also in her early 30’s, is an accountant, has no children, and she’s also easy on the eyes. They happen to bump into each other at a convenience store, and surprisingly hit it off with some nice conversation. They exchange numbers and go about their way.
A few days go by and he initiates the phone call. Again, they have great conversation.
After a week of phone calls between the two, he asks her out on a date and she agrees.On that day, he arrives at her home and greets her with flowers. They then head to a restaurant for dinner. He holds the door for her upon entrance into the restaurant, as well as pulls out her chair. They go on to enjoy a nice meal in which he willingly picks up the tab. When they leave the establishment its quite chilly outside, so he offers her his coat. He even walks on the traffic side of the sidewalk (walking on the outside of the sidewalk–a gesture guys should get familiar with….ya heard).
He drives her home, opens her door and walks her to her porch. They exchange a friendly hug, a polite kiss on the cheek and then he leaves. Everything seems cool, I don’t see any problems with this date, right? Well the following day Cliff calls Deidre to let her know he had a good time and hopes she did too, on an answering machine. Two days go by, no Deidre. On the third day he calls again and leaves another message.
The next day he was talking to one of his female acquaintances over lunch and told her of his dilemma. She happens to know Deidre and tells him she hadn’t returned his call because he wasn’t her type. Was it his looks? No. Was it a lack of conversation/boredom on the date? No. He paid for the meal so he couldn’t be labeled as cheap. What was it? It was because she thought he was too nice. Now I ask the readers what is “too nice?”
He seemingly did all the right things. He didn’t blow up her phone, and he waited a few days before the initial call. He wasn’t being pushy and even after leaving her a message, he waited a couple days to call her again. He showed chivalry to the 10th power, but he was too…nice.
This is where many guys seem to get lost in translation. I mean how could she make this assessment on the first date? Why do females tend to ostracize men who show a little bit of chivalry and are just ‘good guys’? A lot of women would love to have guys that possess that old fashioned way. You DO want a guy to make sure you’re comfortable and safe..right? If you’re cold, you wouldn’t mind a man giving you his coat…yes? Now if a guy is a straight push over with no backbone, I guess that’s different.
Could it be that women have become used to a certain type of man, that they no longer know how to differentiate or appreciate? Is it that they have become so independent and used to doing things on their own, that a man who holds doors, pulls out chairs, and pays is of a different species? Why is it the ‘bad boys’ seem to get a lot of the attention from women? Now don’t get me wrong, I am not spewing sour grapes, nor have I been burned by this incident,… but it just makes me wonder what happened.
What IS wrong with being a nice guy? Chime in and let me know what you think.
peace and god bless.
Title update 01/15/19, Originally entitled, “And in Last Place, Here Come’s Mr. Nice Guy…Again”
Cortonio
My motto is, "Live, love and laugh". Check me out in the "Men Behind The Pen" section on OpinionatedMale.com.
23 Comments
*Yoles*
well i don’t know about the first date too nice phenomenon. when i hear women say men were too nice its usually after a little while…
my opinion is this: men that come off too nice often come off as I) not genuine B) loose (meaning he is too easy with his love and affection) just like a man does not want the woman he chooses to be with, to be a woman that was willing to give herself freely, quickly and frequently to others a woman doesn’t want a man that gives his all and dives in emotionally to quickly. it makes the “love” less valued just as the body of a woman that has seen my bedrooms is deemed less valued.
i don’t think its conscious on a woman’s part but it just happens. his love is free and quick and easy therefore it must not have any value.
i don’t have any real experience in this arena, the few guys that may fall under the “too nice” category fell under the annoying category by doing such gems as popping up at my place, calling me back whining and questioning me on why i haven’t returned his call yet or kind of begging me for sex in a whiny fashion. he was a nice guy just not for me
Cortonio
Yoles, thanks for the feedback. Hpwever in cases not as extreme as yours why are men ‘too nice’? If a man did what ‘cliff’ did for ‘deidre’ would you classify him the same way?
fourpageletter
yes. i’ve been with that dude. almost moved to another country to potentially marry him. but i ended it for several reasons – not including that he was too nice.
i think the problem is more with how girls are socialized. that there has to be a spark/chemistry for it to be real. that unless there are fireworks – it’s not going to last.
i dont pursue ‘bad boys’ at all, but i do think that people (men) forget one thing – it’s better to let her pursue what she think she wants, rather than settle in something that she doesn’t have her heart/head in just for the sake of. she will end up taking him for granted and then what? he’ll likely not be so nice anymore.
him being nice doesn’t entitle him to me/a woman any more than ‘being wifey material’ entitles me to becoming a wife.
pynkkashmere
Hmmm…too nice. I can see that working for you and against you. Here’s how: too nice could be portrayed as phony. No one wants a pushover. On the flip side, I like nice guys. Seems like you did everything right. Flowers, dinner, manners. Some women like a roughneck. Who knows? Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.
Mr SoBo
Yes, to each is own. And as they say, too much of one thing is good for nothing. Welcome to the OM btw.
HighlyFavored
I completely agree with fourpageletter.
I truly believe its more about what the female wants at that particular time in her life and not the guy persay. Not every female is in that stage in her life to accept this (nice guy) for what he is. She may have just came out of a relationship (bad or good) not ready to be open to whatever could spark between the two of them.
Kind of stemming from my comment above aren’t all relationships (whether serious or not) growing experiences? I’ve learned more from my bad ones (unfortunately) than the good ones. If it weren’t for the bad guys we wouldn’t appreciate the good guys when they came along. And in turn the good guys wouldn’t feel as appreciated. You can almost see it as a good thing. The bad guys get all the heat and the drama while as we females grow and mature we give our best to the nice guys who we actually end up with. So in the end of it all who’s really winning…
Mr SoBo
Not the good guy, thats for sure. Sometimes getting the girl in the end doesn’t make one a winner. At that stage, she might have become the booby prize.
Oh, and welcome to the OM.
Triple
I have to agree with some of what is written in the comments above. One) a woman has every right to pick a certain kind of guy based on taste or station in life. But there are consequences (good and bad) to every decision. Two) Nice guys or the goodfellas (as I like to call myself) should be chill, chivalrous, dapper, and cool about things. Never be a pushover or a whiny baby. These actions come off as more Urkel and less Denzel, LOL. To add my own three cents (LOL) to this convo, the only nice guys that finish “last” are those who are too nice. But for those (like myself) who have a plan, are focused, have goals, are rocking that gold to platinum status, we do not finish last cuz we have direction and will not settle ourselves.
I have learned that in being myself and being a gentlemen when out with a young lady does not always equate a long term relationship or her even liking me. In other words, I no longer complain if she is not interested cuz there are many women out there and I look at as having many opportunities to meet good women who want a good fella like me. So all in all, don’t be too nice brothahs but don’t be a jerk either. Bad boys are just that, grown men who are boys. Women want men with class while girls want boys with swag. So I propose a toast to my good fellas everywhere cuz we are gold and platinum all day. Misses right over misses right now.
Dueces
Mr SoBo
Sounds like you have a handle on the situation. Very good points. Its all about balance. As I stated above in an earlier response, too much of one thing, is good for nothing. Well said.
Welcome to the OM.
Cortonio
so ladies and gents do you think ‘cliff’ went TOO far or is that ‘Deidre” got everything twisted, because some women of today do get intimidated by a man who goes the extra mile for them in that they feel like they ‘owe’ him something because of it, or they’re not used to that typr of treatment. tough call all around.
daydreamer82
Well stated Govenah!
The Babbling B
Hmmm…I think it boils down to a few things. Let’s go with the most important one. One of my fav movies Deliver Us From Eva, LL Cool J’s character says, “No woman wants a man who another woman doesn’t already want.” Everyone can appreciate a little competition every now and again, even women. A man who we know is desired by other women is an automatic turn on. It can even go as far as to become a confidence booster for us. Landing that man is a “one-up” on the others. That is the big scheme of the courting business as it relates to women. Let’s face it, a man who is just “too nice” is the one who clearly gets passed up by other women time and time again. It’s all in the material we feed our minds with, TV, Magazine articles, books, movies etc. etc., so therefore it is easier to give this guy walking papers before he can even get started.
Mr SoBo
You brought up some good points. Competition plays a role in this as well. Or at least the perception of it. Welcome to the OM by the way.
thebabblingb
Yes – that’s the part people want to leave out. Women, don’t want the guy who no other wants, often times a woman’s status is based upon the kind of man she has, if he’s viewed as a “catch” then it’s easier for there to be more of a respect for her, people may go as far as to deem her “worthy”. It gets deeper…and thanks, I’m happy to be here!
Cortonio
I agree, but I think men get the shaft way too often for just being respectable and gentlemanly because women tend to go for the ‘bad boy’ types that tend to get them screwed in the long run
thebabblingb
That is very true. I didn’t say it was right, but it definitely happens more often than not. I think people like to simplify the process of a woman choosing a man. We make it sound as if it is so black and white, when I personally feel as though it is more grey/gray than anything. It’s not as simple as choosing a “good guy” over a “bad guy”. It is much more to it. Let’s face it, your stereotypical “good guy” is also the very boring guy, the predictable guy, the bad in bed guy. That may not always be the case, but this is how some and maybe even most women view it.
balancedlady
I would love it if a guy did all of those things on a first date but I’m a romantic so I like those kinds of things anyway. As long as the conversation was engaging this would actually be a perfect date to me. He was polite, chivalrous (which I expect anyway) and respectful at the end of the night. I will say that when I first started dating as a teenager I didn’t like this type of treatment because it actually would make me feel uncomfortable. You’re right, many women are not used to being treated in a respectful and nice way so it makes them uncomfortable. Those type of women want to be challenged by either a bad boy or a emotionally elusive man. They’re conditioned to believe they’re supposed to work for love instead of just receiving it. This is the reason why you can’t be too affectionate with some women because they’ll feel uncomfortable and push away. The more I learned to love myself the more comfortable I became with affection, kindness, and respect from others.
Cortonio
Welcome to OM, you are the rare breed, but you do raise a good point as women mature and have dealt with the so called ‘bad boys’ they begin to truly appreciate what a good man has to offer
daydreamer82
I like nice guys but what I realize now that I am a bit wiser is that some men believe they are the “nice guy” when they’re just fronting because they have motives. Just like the guys that whine about being a “good man”, everybody’s definition of nice and good are different. Rather than cry about this girl not accepting you for you, I mean “Cliff”, be confident in knowing that you were being yourself (hopefully) and if she wasn’t attracted to that then it’s her missing out. There is someone out there for Cliff. Her name is Claire.
Cortonio
LoL @ the cosby show reference. But seriously why is it or what is it that makes a woman feel a man is too nice when all he’s doing is what he’s been taught growing up? This especially bodes when he’s actually being genuine and has no motives but to simply get to know a lady and show interest?
daydreamer82
Honestly, I think it varies per woman and per man. I know l’m a “good woman”, a “nice catch” but I understand that not every guy is going to be attracted to me. And it sucks when I like a man and he doesn’t feel the same about me because rejection sucks. Who likes rejection?
However, I’d rather have someone who I desire, that desires me back. Someone who loves me for me because we all want to feel genuinely wanted. I don’t think nice guys finish last. I think they feel a bit entitled. Sorry, just because you did what you were supposed to do doesn’t mean your going to get the girl. Heck, we’re supposed to go to college to get a good job yet I know many peers, myself included, under paid, under employed, and/or in an unsatisfying position, if any at all. Yet we do what we got to do. No one is entitled to give me a job. No one is entitled to anything!
The thing is there is possibly some woman out there that noticed said nice guy but he didn’t notice back. Why? Well, because he has been viewing and dating woman through his own set of standards. Tiffany is not on Cliff’s dating radar. The Dadar is looking for Claire. Lol
Cortonio
Agreed, however I think, and I may be of base but I think nice guys aren’t necessarily entitled. What I mean by this is if a ‘nice’ guy goes out on a date or a few with the same woman and he exhibits the ‘right’ type of behavior why couldn’t it be sincere and genuine. Or if he goes on dates with a few woman and does the same thing and they feels he’s too nice what to do? It is who he is, so why change? Now if he’s a pushover and does too much just to get attention that’s different.
daydreamer82
He must be young. Eventually he will realize that being himself will be just enough for the right woman. In the meanwhile, he should work on being the best he can be; which includes being more assertive, confident and working towards having the characteristics he wants in a mate. He will eventual meet the best woman for him.