Tell Me He Didn’t Just Do That!…Unspoken Rules Men Should Follow

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Last week I wrote the post, “10 Rules Women Should Generally Follow” which were my cheeky additions to the unwritten ‘Woman Code’. So of course it’s only fair that I put the spotlight on the men and our unwritten ‘Man Code’ with this post. Here goes.

As men go through life sometimes we do things around our friends or other guys that elicits funny looks. Sometimes we don’t realize what we do because it’s either part of our upbringing, or its totally innocent and there’s nothing meant by it. As far as the upbringing though, I would think this especially pertains to men who were raised by women as they tend to be more on the ‘softer’ side of things. No Downy. *ducks flying tomatoes*

Well we’re going to travel into the unspoken man rules also known as the “Man-Law”. This is my own spin on what guys should and shouldn’t do. So here are the following scenarios:

Proper Restroom Etiquette: The urinal

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Lets say you walk into a restroom and you see three urinals. Two are being used on each side.

What to do: Go and use the urinal in the middle while shouting, “NO HOMO”! (Just kidding). You should find one of the empty stalls and use those. Or if one of the guys appears to be finished at the urinal and the stalls are in use, then wait a few seconds. Use that time to check yourself out in the mirror to stall time, then go use it.

What not to do: You don’t under any circumstances use the urinals in between the two occupied ones unless, and I mean UNLESS there is a divider in between. Don’t urinate with your pants down, we’re not five-year olds (remember the scene with Terry Crews & Katt Williams character in Friday After Next?). And lastly, I know we’re all supposed to do this, but some men don’t – Wash your hands!

Proper Bar Etiquette: To pay or not to pay that is the question…

1. If we’re out with the fellas for drinks on a night on the town, we all like to do it up and have a good time. Many times we all order rounds for one another and there’s always that one guy that’s on that ‘funny status’. If you’re that guy, do not be cheap and let dudes pay for the rounds while you’re only paying for yourself. You went out as a group, so play the part.

2. If you don’t have enough money, let it be known from the start so you don’t look like a fool. On the other hand if you only brought enough money for a handful of drinks for yourself, buy that round and let the other guys get the remainder. In other words, let’s say they’re five of you altogether, if you buy a round, (especially the first round) you’ll get four drinks bought for you by way of the other four rounds. It’s like you paid for yourself anyway.

3. Another thing to do is stay in the price lane. If the other guys are buying beer don’t sit there and order Remy Martin and coke on their dime and then when it’s your round, you’re expecting them only to order beer.

4. Lastly, if one of your buds orders a drink and it looks good but you’re not sure what is, simply ask the bartender to give you a small cup so you can try it (if your buddy lets you). You can also ask the bartender for a small sample. Usually bartenders are cool with that especially if  they’ve waited on you before or they’ve been serving you guys for a duration of time. You don’t however, take a sip out of your boy’s cup. Now I’m sure some of us have been guilty of doing it and not sure if that’s the “right” thing to do, but now you know and knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!

Proper Dining Etiquette: The cookout

Now I tackled a little bit of this in the Social Hiccup post but I will expand on it here. If you go to a cookout with the fellas, know how to handle yourself. If you’re going to get a beer for yourself it’s cool to ask the others what they want since you’re getting up. If any of them want a mixed drink, well, I’m on the fence with making guys a drink. However, it all depends on your relationship and if  you guys are secure in your manhood. Think of this for instance, if you came to my crib, out of hospitality I’ll pour you a drink. Once your cup/glass becomes empty, you’re on your own.

In the instance of food, one thing you don’t do under any circumstances, is get your man food. I don’t care even if it’s a simple as a hot dog or a burger. What? Are you sitting there wondering if he likes ketchup, mustard, relish, or all three and how much of each? I feel weird just thinking about it.

If it’s a cook out and you’re the host (especially if you’re on the grill), get him the aforementioned ‘dog or burger but let him fix it with all the trimmings himself. In the end of it all you’re his friend, not his woman.

Also, don’t feel weird about opening a beer, there’s nothing wrong with that. I have seen brothers who were squeamish about that though (“Naw son, I ain’t opening another man’s beer”), but personally it’s cool for me.

Oh yeah speaking of cookouts and man codes….

Proper Night Club Etiquette: Back to back or belly to belly?

Kind of the same rules apply as the bar, but one thing: if you’re passing a guy and it’s a tight squeeze, try going back to back not front to back or front to back. If there’s other people pushing behind you and such, then I guess you have no choice. However, make sure you say, “excuse me” loud enough so he can hear you. Otherwise, umm yeah back to back. You don’t want to feel any semblance of a guy’s johnson touching you or vice versa.

Proper Gym Etiquette: “I pick things up, I put them down. I look him up…and look him down”?!

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1. This is for all you wannabe sexy flexy type negroes. If you’re working out with your boy, no stretching each other out.  It’s not a good look and comes off as pretty ‘moist’. Now ‘spotting’  him at the barbels is fine,…but wiping sweat off his brow… is not.

2. If you have to take a shower after your workout keep your eyes up and on your own body. Don’t become a ‘pecker checker’ or a ‘wiener screener’. If you’re changing in the locker room, same thing applies – avert your eyes. You wouldn’t want the indignity of getting caught looking at another man’s schnitzel do you?

Proper ‘Concern for Your Boy’s Safety’ Etiquette: The phone call

“Call me when you get home”. Um…No. If you have your bud(s) over to chill and when they leave, don’t utter those words. “Text me when you get in the crib” is more appropriate for that time. With all of the nonsense that goes on the roads i.e.,breaking down, getting pulled over, accidents etc., there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know the fellas are good.

Proper Seating Etiquette: The couch

Obviously if it is a three cushion couch and two are occupied, same as the urinal rule – don’t sit in the middle.

Proper ‘Respect Da Family’ Etiquette: Your friends’ sisters are off-limits

Although as I’ve always stated, you can’t help who you fall in love with, you should help this one. No matter how good of a man you are, the bottom line is don’t even think about it. If you want to put it in perspective, if things end on a bad note, your friendship with your boy is done.  Blood is always thicker than water.

So are ex-girlfriends. If it was merely a side chick/jump off you’re golden. But any exes of his aren’t to be touched. I wouldn’t even ask him permission to date her. Just leave it alone. There are plenty of women out there. And speaking of which, no cock blocking.  If your dude is trying to get at a female, leave it be. Don’t try to cupcake or throw salt on his game to get some. You never know, she may have a cute friend for you, so chill.

Proper ‘Keep Yo Mouf Shut’ Etiquette: Silence is Golden

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I have three words: simp..simp..and more simp (that’s five but who’s counting).

NEVER EVER indulge any information about your friend’s transgressions to your girl. I don’t care if you’re pillow talking with her or not, do not do it. It’s lame and not cool on so many levels and you wouldn’t want your boy doing it to you…would you? Think of it as Vegas or the bedroom: What happens there stays there.

I’ll also be remiss if I didn’t say gossiping to females is a no-no as well. No man and woman should be sharing gossip. You don’t have a vajayjay, so leave the gossiping to the womenfolk. Example: If your boy used to date a woman who was also your friend, don’t go asking her info about what happened between the two of them. Period.

Proper Friendship Etiquette: I’m movin’ on up… to the eastside

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If your buddy is moving you must always be there to help him, especially if you have the vehicle to do so. The only out is if you’re literally physically unable to help. Otherwise, just be a pal.

Well gents (and ladies) there it is. My list of rules men should generally follow. Fellas, did I miss anything? What are some others? Ladies, how do you feel about these and what would you add if any? Share your thoughts. The floor is yours.

Peace and God Bless

—Cortonio

11 thoughts on “Tell Me He Didn’t Just Do That!…Unspoken Rules Men Should Follow

  1. Fell out laughing about the urinal rules..I had NO idea all of that goes on in mens restrooms..That is far too much to have to think about when having to potty…Oooo it once again makes me appreciate being a woman . lol, lol! Matter of fact we’ve have ladies room conversations in the restroom & OMG if a man could be a fly on the wall they things he’d hear

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  2. Lmao@pecker-checker..the question that begs to be asked is this..What do you do IF you notice another guy checking you out at the gym? lollllll Never realized y’all had all those things to even think about being concerned about..Probably because I’m too busy checking y’all out when I’m there. Honestly, sometimes to the point that it messes up my own work-out..easier to just do it at home. Wonder how many other women would admit that..well just remember you heard it first from lil ole me.

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    1. Yes ma’am you’ll be surprised at what people do there, as if they’re feeling a complex about theirs they gotta look at another dudes. It’s crazy. And speaking of the ladies room, I’d love to be a fly on the wall and hear the “goings on”.

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  3. Nice list…to further elaborate on the urinal rule I have to add the fact that talking to someone else while holding your johnson is just a no-no. You wouldn’t do it in public so you shouldn’t do in the privacy of a restroom. Ish just irks me….

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    1. Or if you’re dropping a deuce and your co-worker comes in and somehow knows its you (maybe sees your shoes or something) and engages in conversation…..

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  4. “remember the scene with Terry Crews & Katt Williams character in Friday After Next?”

    One at a time player…one at a time. I’m busy right now, working with a monster. LMAO!!!!

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    1. “I am a boy Damon!! we are not in jail anymore!”….”Get back there’s gonna be ball juice everywhere”
      Yeah but I hope in the near future I don’t see a grown man peeing with his pants down anymore. Very unsightly…a true WTF! moment

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  5. Cortonio, this is hysterical! I’m with Berna, had no idea you guys had so many things you needed to watch out for. Always enjoy your posts, starts my mornings off on a happy note.

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