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Sex & Relationships

What Women can Learn From These Relationship Mistakes

Another night alone. Another evening rendezvous with your cat, dog, or in extreme cases your….*ahem* toy. Another instance of hearing how much fun your girl Marissa had on her date with Darnell. How about hearing all about how Tania and her husband Curtis just came back from a weekend getaway?

Now maybe it won’t bother you at first but after a while you start questioning yourself. You go from not wanting or needing to be in the company of the opposite sex to feeling downright lonely and melancholy because you’re not. You are labeled as the ‘token friend’ that your girls are trying to hook up with someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a blind date or otherwise.  Maybe you made some mistakes that many women tend to make in their relationship(s) starting with:

Begin withholding sex suddenly

Yes ladies you know who you are. You are playing the field and you meet that guy. This particular gentleman is easy on the eyes, fun to be around, and the chemistry between you two is awesome. Soon thereafter you and him become intimate. That too is also awesome, and the sex is non-stop while you continue seeing each other. Then all of a sudden you begin rationing the sex to him; making him wait longer in between bedroom bouts as you morph into Ms. Self-Righteous, hitting him with:

“I want to establish a healthy relationship first”

” I want it to be more than sex”

“Is that all you want?”

Not long after that, he tires of it and goes on about his way.

I’m not chastising you at all, but you have to be consistent and real with exactly what it is you’re looking for. Establishing something between you all first then becoming intimate is usually the [sensible] order in which things go.  Men like sex period, so why without warning take it away because you’ve gone on your moral soap box about getting to know him more? Put that first, grow and learn each other, and THEN give up the goods. Once you start giving it up from the get go, that becomes an expectation.

While he probably wouldn’t mind quality time, he’ll always want some; and you can’t blame him because that’s the precedent you set.

Emasculating your mate

Baby Boy Movie 2- OpinionatedMale.comYou have the vagina, he doesn’t. He has the penis, you don’t. You have the boobs, he doesn’t (male boobs don’t count).  You bleed once a month, not him. You know what that equates too? He’s the man in the relationship and not you. Women – and I’ve observed this more in women of color – tend to emasculate their men, making the men in their lives feel inferior; figuratively cutting their testes off and soon begin chopping the penis down centimeter by centimeter.

If you were/are living a cosmopolitan lifestyle and used to the finer things while being single and then got into a relationship, don’t treat him like trash because he can’t help you keep that up. The same goes if your salary is higher than his. And while you’re at it, don’t compare him to what your exes did for you.

If he can’t fix things around the house that well, at least allow him to try it first before you call for professional help. And if your father  (assuming he was in the household) was a “man’s man” do not expect your mate to be a replica. If you have children together don’t undermine him in front of them. See, men have large ego’s, some with even larger sense of pride and desire to provide; don’t take that away from them.

I understand there are women who were raised by single mothers and some others that have been ‘independent’ so long that they became lost on how to treat a man, and transitioning from being single into a couple can be hard. Nevertheless, under no circumstances you are to treat a man as if he’s beneath you.

Being non-communicative

Guy: Babe what’s wrong?  
Girl: Nothing I’m alright (or just deafening silence).

Men aren’t mind readers and don’t want you to deny something is wrong if it is only to then hit him when he least expects it. For example: The two of you go on a date (his treat) and he miscalculated his money or he splurged big and therefore you have to come out of your pockets for some of the outing. He’s contrite about it, you let it slide and he thinks everything is alright. On the inside though, you are somewhat seething that this brother had the nerve to ask you out and you had to use some of your own money. And what’s worse, you dipped in your grocery stash or rent to do so (provided you don’t live together).

It goes without mention for days, even weeks and it festers along with other issues that have arisen. When it reaches its boiling point (usually over something meager) you’re not giving him jab or two, you’re throwing hay makers at him. Is that reasonable? Communicate. Communicate. I can’t stress it enough.

Unwilling to compromise

You have that Burger King mindset: “Your way… right away”. I don’t really need to elaborate on this any further. Not compromising is a virtual death knell in any relationship.

Transferring your stress

When you first met each other and started dating it was fun, exciting, sometimes borderline risqué in a fun way. You made love on the phone, you text everyday multiple times a day even, and yes you were intimate. What happened? Well somewhere along the way you lost that newness for your guy and started treating him with redundancy. He became one of your friends, and as such you began to vent more and more to him about your daily stresses killing the once positive vibe you two coveted. Calls and texts weren’t as fun anymore, and the outings and intimacy ceased because of your daily quandaries. Whenever you had a bad day or were upset about something, you somehow found a way to make his day the same.

Men as a whole don’t always want to hear about your annoying co-workers, your a$$hole of a boss, one of your trifling girlfriends, or why your ‘baby daddy’ doesn’t help financially or come and pick up your child when he was supposed to. In reality, men tire having you as a constant cross to bear.

Now don’t get me wrong, him being an outlet to vent is absolutely healthy. Think about this though: you have a bad day or are in a bad situation, would it be fair to make your man the proverbial punching bag? Why always take things out on him? And speaking of transferring stress, why give him any backlash because of your previous duds of relationships?

Men all have baggage, but one can only support so much of his AND yours.

Having too many allies

Gallery portraits for the second season of VH1's Basketball Wives shot Sunday Sept. 12, 2010 in Miami. (David Adame/Ap Images for VH1)I attended a wedding years ago and the pastor said to the couple: “Whatever problems you may have, keep it between the two of you”. How many times during relationships your girls know as much as he? Female friends have often been in the mix too much (especially the single ones who are miserable). Getting advice from a trusted friend is okay sometimes. In the end though, your problems should lie between you and him to solve. Let your girls worry about their own men.

OM fam talk to me. Ladies, have you or someone you knew made these same mistakes? Which of these do you feel are more detrimental? Fellas, why do you think women do these things? What are some other mistakes women make in relationships?





Updated on 01/15/19, Post originally entitled, “Horrible Mistakes Women Make In Relationships”

My motto is, "Live, love and laugh". Check me out in the "Men Behind The Pen" section on


  • bernasvibe

    Love the topic! And yes smart men really DO rock..One of the biggest mistakes I think women make? They SETTLE..I can’t tell you how many women I hear say they’re not married; so…and yet they’re linked up(and some living with their man) IF you’re not with the man you feel you really want; why date him/live with him? The answer is simple..Some women(and men too!) are afraid to be alone..Afraid that being alone means ; hmmm learning to live alone & enjoy it & maybe even work on one’s self..How many folks leap right into a relationship after another one ends? Never giving themselves time to let the reasons why it ended sink IN & rightfully learn what their part in it failing were..Isn’t that a way to make sure history isn’t repeated? I can’t sit here & say that my first time single for a lengthy period(3 yrs so far & on purpose) has been an easy walk..IT IS NOT..Especially since I’m used to being linked up and in love..But I’ve learned so much about me. Also learned from the mistakes made in past marriage/relationships. Thankfully I’m still good friends(even cross country) with my Xhusband and Xfiance..So if I ever need a reference ..I’ve got 2 good ones lol! Sometimes things just don’t work out; because they don’t work out. Actually I’ve only just become a brand new(2 weeks so far..) member of an online dating site..Trying to figure out how to write about my new adventure as we speak. Needless to say I’ve not run across the last love of my life yet..Or I’d probably not have time to write anything. lol! But I’m keeping hope alive

    • Cortonio

      Berna you are in a good situation because you have been through the ‘wars’ so to speak of being engaged once and married another time, so now you know what exactly you are looking for and can be as patient and picky as you’d like. Some women haven’t been through it so they don’t really know how to go about things. Good luck on the online dating, never tried it but I’ve heard some good things about it. A buddy of mine is set to marry a woman he met on a dating site.

      • bernasvibe

        Another thing I didn’t consider a blessing until recent years? The set of parents I have..Taught me a lot & by observing their love/union my entire life; gave me a standard that is far above the norm. Ahhh thanks for the encouraging words about online dating@your pal is marrying his online love..Truthfully? I’ve not had time to wade through the 100’s(yep 100s) of notes I’m getting daily from the online site I’m on..I’m having to learn how to quickly filter which ones I respond to..Maybe I should’ve put less pictures(lol); but I also wrote quite a detailed profile..Figured I was going to make the most out of my 3 month subscription..Promised I’d write/post on my experience on my blog(hoping to do so before this weekend).
        As always Cortonio I enjoy our interactions..Keep up the good work here! I think I’m going to re-post your piece. Maybe we can get some of the many women reading my blog to respond

        • Cortonio

          Thanks and the pleasure is all mine….Looking forward to seeing the article on your online experience and perhaps the re-blog, curious to see the responses.

          • bernasvibe

            I’m curious to see the responses to it also..Re-blogging it now..Been a crazy busy day/week on this end..Hoping sometime this weekend I can sit still to write about my online(& offline) experience so far..

  • scspicer

    I think that often times it is the male who often withholds sex. This can cause a major issue in the relationship when it starts out hot and heavy with frequent sexual escapades during the beginning to just every so often. Because he is tired from working, playing ball, dealing with family issues. Males are not the only ones who expect frequent sex. It can be very confusing and fustrating when you are a female with a high sex drive and you think that you have a partner with the same drive just to find out that he really doesn’t. This is a major game changer!

    • Mr SoBo

      Welcome to the OM. *Rolls out red carpet*
      Hmmn…now this is a very interesting dilemma. I can honestly say that this is not a typical complaint amongst women. However, I am glad that you are providing a voice for the very real women who do enjoy sex as much as and as frequently as their male counterparts (or in your case as even more so). Nice. I can’t imagine men turning down opportunities for sex with their partner, but apparently it’s real. Any guys out there willing to speak on this?
      Perhaps you are quite the fiery cat in the sack and the men you encounter simply can’t handle that?

    • Cortonio

      Interesting Scspicer, I have always thought it was the male who complained of the female, but you raise an interesting point. However would that be a definite deal breaker for you if you were involved with someone?

    • bernasvibe

      Whoa, major game changer indeed! If this is the new norm(I’ve not dated in a bit..) then I’ll be single a while longer..Lol..Ugh & OMG..Never in my entire life, including my married life, have I ran into any brotha that withheld sex..Guess I’ll (once again) thank my lucky stars & count my blessings. Too bad there isn’t a test (at the onset of a relationship) to check for compatible sex drives. Honestly never heard of this being an issue ..Curious if you’ve asked him if he’s still attracted? Or(and I hope this isn’t the case) having an affair? Or maybe he needs to have his hormone levels checked out…

  • scspicer

    Cortonio, yes that could be a possible deal breaker. Unless I understood why things had changed then I would see it as a form of rejection. Then it starts messing with your mind and you have to question your faith and trust in your partner, and you start wondering why he is not attracted to you anymore. There is that old saying “if he ain’t getting it from you then he’s getting it from somewhere else”. Once that trust is broken it seems like their is no point in trying, because every time his phone beeps or he’s outta your sight you’re gonna start wondering. I refuse to be driven crazy like that. If he is working multiple jobs, working on a degree and working, dealing with a serious health issue, or dealing with some other serious form of stress issues then I could understand that and he could get a pass for that, because I would know that things would eventually get back to normal. But, if he is MIA all of a sudden and you’re the one who always have to initiate sex then something is wrong, because it was understood in the beginning of the relationship that frequent sex was part of the bonding process.

  • scspicer

    Mr. SoBe, I think that its a good for a woman to admit to her man that she enjoys or loves having sex with him, and wants to have sex as frequently as possible. It can be a great way to make deep connections with your partner. It has to be known from the beginning what the expectations are in terms of being intimate. Naturally over a period of time things will slow down (due to the hustle of life) but it has to be for reason other than unfaithfulness or loss of interest for no apparent reason.

    • Cortonio

      you’re right but these behaviors women should try not to exhibit. I’m sure no brother would want a sistah emasculating him.
      Welcome to OM!

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