Another night alone. Another evening rendezvous with your cat, dog, or in extreme cases your….*ahem* toy. Another instance of hearing how much fun your girl Marissa had on her date with Darnell. How about hearing all about how Tania and her husband Curtis just came back from a weekend getaway?
Now maybe it won’t bother you at first but after a while you start questioning yourself. You go from not wanting or needing to be in the company of the opposite sex to feeling downright lonely and melancholy because you’re not. You are labeled as the ‘token friend’ that your girls are trying to hook up with someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s a blind date or otherwise. Maybe you made some mistakes that many women tend to make in their relationship(s) starting with:
Giving up the cutty rather quickly & often, then suddenly your vagina goes on a hiatus
Yes ladies you know who you are. You are playing the field and you meet that guy. This particular gentleman is easy on the eyes, fun to be around, and the chemistry between you two is awesome. Soon thereafter you and him become intimate. That too is also awesome, and the sex is non-stop while you continue seeing each other. Then all of a sudden you begin rationing the sex to him; making him wait longer in between bedroom bouts as you morph into Ms. Self-Righteous:
“I want to establish a healthy relationship first” ..”Well I want it to be more than sex”.. “Is that all you want?”.
Not long after that, he tires of it and goes on about his way.
I’m not chastising you at all, but you have to be consistent and real with exactly what it is you’re looking for. Establishing something between you all first then becoming intimate is usually the [sensible] order in which things go. Men like sex period, so why without warning take it away because you’ve gone on your moral soap box about getting to know him more? Put that first, grow and learn each other, and THEN give up the goods. Once you start giving it up from the get go, that becomes an expectation.
While he probably wouldn’t mind quality time, he’ll always want some; and you can’t blame him because that’s the precedent you set.
Emasculating your mate
You have the vagina, he doesn’t. He has the penis, you don’t. You have the boobs, he doesn’t (male boobs don’t count). You bleed once a month, not him. You know what that equates too? He’s the man in the relationship and not you. Women – and I’ve observed this more in women of color – tend to emasculate their men, making the men in their lives feel inferior; figuratively cutting their testes off and soon begin chopping the penis down centimeter by centimeter.
If you were/are living a cosmopolitan lifestyle and used to the finer things while being single and then got into a relationship, don’t treat him like trash because he can’t help you keep that up. The same goes if your salary is higher than his. And while you’re at it, don’t compare him to what your exes did for you.
If he can’t fix things around the house that well, at least allow him to try it first before you call for professional help. And if your father (assuming he was in the household) was a “man’s man” do not expect your mate to be a replica. If you have children together don’t undermine him in front of them. See, men have large ego’s, some with even larger sense of pride and desire to provide; don’t take that away from them.
I understand there are women who were raised by single mothers and some others that have been ‘independent’ so long that they became lost on how to treat a man, and transitioning from being single into a couple can be hard. Nevertheless, under no circumstances you are to treat a man as if he’s beneath you.
Guy: Babe what’s wrong?
Girl: Nothing I’m alright (or just deafening silence).
Men aren’t mind readers and don’t want you to deny something is wrong if it is only to then hit him when he least expects it. For example: The two of you go on a date (his treat) and he miscalculated his money or he splurged big and therefore you have to come out of your pockets for some of the outing. He’s contrite about it, you let it slide and he thinks everything is alright. On the inside though, you are somewhat seething that this brother had the nerve to ask you out and you had to use some of your own money. And what’s worse, you dipped in your grocery stash or rent to do so (provided you don’t live together).
It goes without mention for days, even weeks and it festers along with other issues that have arisen. When it reaches its boiling point (usually over something meager) you’re not giving him jab or two, you’re throwing hay makers at him. Is that reasonable? Communicate. Communicate. I can’t stress it enough.
Never bothering to compromise
You have that Burger King mindset: “Your way… right away”. I don’t really need to elaborate on this any further. Not compromising is a virtual death knell in any relationship.
Transferring your stress
When you first met each other and started dating it was fun, exciting, sometimes borderline risqué in a fun way. You made love on the phone, you text everyday multiple times a day even, and yes you were intimate. What happened? Well somewhere along the way you lost that newness for your guy and started treating him with redundancy. He became one of your friends, and as such you began to vent more and more to him about your daily stresses killing the once positive vibe you two coveted. Calls and texts weren’t as fun anymore, and the outings and intimacy ceased because of your daily quandaries. Whenever you had a bad day or were upset about something, you somehow found a way to make his day the same.
Men as a whole don’t always want to hear about your annoying co-workers, your a$$hole of a boss, one of your trifling girlfriends, or why your ‘baby daddy’ doesn’t help financially or come and pick up your child when he was supposed to. In reality, men tire having you as a constant cross to bear.
Now don’t get me wrong, him being an outlet to vent is absolutely healthy. Think about this though: you have a bad day or are in a bad situation, would it be fair to make your man the proverbial punching bag? Why always take things out on him? And speaking of transferring stress, why give him any backlash because of your previous duds of relationships?
Men all have baggage, but one can only support so much of his AND yours.
Having too many allies
I attended a wedding years ago and the pastor said to the couple: “Whatever problems you may have, keep it between the two of you”. How many times during relationships your girls know as much as he? Female friends have often been in the mix too much (especially the single ones who are miserable). Getting advice from a trusted friend is okay sometimes. In the end though your problems should lie between you and him to solve. Let your girls worry about their own men.
OM fam talk to me. Ladies, have you or someone you knew made these same mistakes? Which of these do you feel are more detrimental? Fellas, why do you think women do these things? What are some other mistakes women make in relationships?
“Smart Men Rock”