Welcome to another installment of “If You Need To Know Just Ask“. Well I was in-boxed with some more questions and I’ll be delighted to answer them. This time I’m joined by my writing brother from another mother, Mr. SoBo. So what are we waiting for? You got questions, we got answers. Let’s go!
My boyfriend bought a mother’s day gift for his ‘baby mama’. I approached him about this and we got into an argument. Was I wrong?
CORTONIO: Well, that’s a rather interesting situation to be in. I’ll say this, if their child was old enough to pick out a gift or sign the card and he simply PAID for it, there is no issue. Thats if we’re assuming the child is over the age of 5, or at least 5 years of age. Now on the flip side of that, if he went out and purchased a gift on his own or bought her flowers or roses then there should be an issue. The ONLY thing that might be tolerable is a text or maybe a call saying ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ (depending on how well they get along) that’s it. So before I get long-winded, the answer is NO you weren’t wrong.
MR. SOBO: That all depends on your approach. But seeing as though transparency is the bedrock of any successful relationship, you are not wrong for broaching the subject. It’s absolutely within your right to demand clarity from your partner regarding any other co-existing relationship(s). But lets be fair: by getting involved with someone who has a child you are also agreeing to accept that parental relationship – good or bad – into your life (within reason of course). And since not all co-parenting relationships are marred by drama and disdain, you may have to deal with seeing an occasional exchange of gifts around the holidays if they are an amicable pair. So long as they are not gifting intimate or other inappropriate items to one another such as drawz and body fluids, then you should have no objections.
If you’re out with your lady and a dude approaches her more than once, how do you handle that?
CORTONIO: I’d let him know respectfully but firmly she is with me. I’m not going to go ham on the brother and become volatile. It’s a conundrum to be sure, but all in all, I’ll let him know. If he becomes physical with her, we’re in a different ball game. Just make sure your beau is extremely hard on the eyes, so you don’t have to go through that. Just kidding ….or Am I??
MR. SOBO: It is your lady’s responsibility to shut down the advances of other men. If she has made it clear to the fellow that she is ‘spoken for’ and he persists, you may want to assert yourself and make your presence known. This should suffice in giving him the hint to scram. However, more may be required on your part if he turns out to be someone who doesn’t appreciate what a blessing it is to have a fully functioning jaw.
On the flip side, handling these situations also depends on the type of woman you have. If she has a tendency to send mixed signals when encountering other men including giving wishy-washy rejections, then she is encouraging the persistence. Should you find that your lady is the type to ‘straddle the line’,
reevaluate your relationship immediately you may want to have a conversation with her or be prepared to find yourself in these types of situations rather frequently.
Should I be upset that my woman has 500 friends on FB?
CORTONIO: I always wondered how people accumulate hundreds of friends on social media. I know people who have close to 1,000 if not more and I’m wondering: “Damn do I even know that many people?!” Anyway, chances are most of them are friends she’s known long before you and maybe they just happened to get caught up on FB. In my opinion as long as you have met her core friends and she’s your FB friend as well then there shouldn’t be a problem. Try not to get caught up in the social media nonsense and keep your relationship with her solid and the same goes for the sistahs too.
MR. SOBO: Let’s get to the nitty gritty of what you’re really asking, which is should you be concerned by the number of male friends your lady is accumulating on FB. Hmmnn… Put it this way homie: If she is actively or passively attempting to turn any of those online ‘friends’ into real life ‘buddies’, then Houston…you have a problem. If she is responding positively to flirtatious commentary left on her pictures and status updates from these ‘friends’, then you son…you have a problem. Her inbox messages? Fahhget about it. Full of problems.
Here’s the deal: **The good news is the majority of those ‘friends’ will be harmless. But there will be those whom she is meeting in real life and accepting as ‘friends’ on her FB. Maybe she’s networking if she’s an entrepreneur or maybe she’s really keeping her options open. If it’s the latter my brotha, then you’ve got the one problem Jay-Z didn’t have.
My point: When it comes to your lady, a 500, 600 or 2,000+ Facebook friend count is not the count you need to be worrying about…if you catch my drift.
At what point should the man I’m seeing meet my children?
CORTONIO: Whenever you’re comfortable letting another man around them, and I wouldn’t rush nor would I prolong it. Just do it when you’re ready. Look at it like meeting your parents. Although one can deal with their parents not liking their s/o, it’s tougher when the children don’t like your partner. And that can be a virtual deal breaker.
MR. SOBO: Only when it has been clearly established that the relationship is on course to becoming something pretty darn serious, but certainly not when you’re still trying to ‘figure things out’. As a parent all of your decisions should be made with your children in mind. So exposing your youngin(s) to fly by night kneegros coming in and out of your life and bedroom is definitely not the move if you are unsure about the future of that relationship. When it is clear that you and Mr. Man are on the same page with each other, then you roll out Phase 2 on his @ss – Operation Daddy Day Care.
Is it wrong for me to maintain a relationship with my ex’s family?
CORTONIO: Yes and No. It depends obviously how long you were together and how close you were with the family. And if the two of you had a child(ren) together you’ll still see them anyway. If a family member passes on, I wouldn’t be opposed to you paying your respects. And obviously if you see them in the street a cordial hello and small talk isn’t harmful. Now would I be attending a family reunion, cookouts, or any events that they host? No.
MR. SOBO: Unless there is a child involved, what is the purpose? Okay, maybe you developed a great friendship with a cousin or perhaps a sibling and your interactions are independent of your ex. Cool. However, if your relationship with family members constantly places you in contact with or in the company of your ex and you are okay with this, then it is clear where your heart belongs and it is not with your current beau. And if your current beau is okay with you preserving such close [familial] ties to your ex, then hey…he/she shouldn’t be too surprised if one day their cookie comes home with a few chocolate chips missing.
What is your take on the Ray Rice situation?
CORTONIO: I thought the way the NFL handled it was jacked up. As far as the incident itself, I’ve covered domestic violence in a few articles before. In no way shape or form should a man put his hands on a woman, especially yours. If you were being physically attacked, defend yourself the best way you can; understand over stepping that line will land you in some hot water. Some people feel she should leave, others feel if she isn’t tripping off of it then neither should we. Bottom line he was wrong on all levels, but he and his wife will have to deal with that. Period.
MR. SOBO: Based on the surveillance footage, Rice unfortunately allowed his frustrations to get the best of him. That much was clear. He was wrong. Sure being at odds with your partner is a part of relationship life and as stoic as we are expected to be at all times, we are still organisms with emotions. However, there is such a thing as going too far. And unfortunately for all involved in this incident, Rice made the mistake of crossing that line. I’ll refrain from condemning the man, but his actions that night shall not receive the same grace. They were reckless, reprehensible and inexcusable.
And there you have it folks. Another entry tackling some of relationship’s tough questions and conflicts. Now we’d like to turn the floor over to you.
So family, do you love or hate our advice? What advice would you give? What are your thoughts on each of these scenarios? Can any of you relate? If so, how did you handle it?
“…Smart Men Rock”