“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free”.
“Boys shack up, men provide a home”.
We’ve all heard the old clichés and idioms involving the norms of society when it comes to people and relationships. Have you ever stopped and wondered to yourself if the old-fashioned norms and ways are still in full effect? Are they just ‘old’ and shouldn’t be followed anymore? Does or should it even apply to me anyway? Well, lets examine some of the ways of yesteryear and see how relevant (or not) they are today. Let’s chop it up….
Living together before marriage vs Marriage first
This has always been debated among people either feeling they should marry first or live together first. This is where the two aforementioned adages come in. Personally, I lean slightly towards living together beforehand but I can understand and respect the idea of marriage first. And I also understand the idea of wanting to make sure there is true value in being together while sharing a home with the intention of building a family, symbolizing the sacred (some would say) pieces of jewelry on your fingers. This decision obviously depends on the people involved. If one follows a faith or he/she is old-fashioned then the person would likely choose marriage first.
On the flip side would you jump into this endeavour before marriage? If you’re not shacking up for the sake of convenience then why not live together first? You can only know so much about a person by visiting or spending a night here and there at their home. Are they good with finances? Will or can they keep a clean dwelling without knowing your’e coming? Will the intimacy be consistent enough for the both of you to be happy? Will they be able to transition from going back and forth to actually co-existing with you? In the end however, those are discussions you both should have before getting that serious anyway.
Sex before marriage vs Sex after marriage
There’s two schools of thought on this one.
1) There are people who for religious reasons choose to save themselves until marriage and they have given their life to a higher power. In this case they (women in particular) may literally keep it locked down until that ring becomes the key to open it. This goes for brothers too. Yes have I known of a few men who were in relationships for quite some time and waited alongside their lady as well, but they were both in agreement which is key.
2) There are people who would rather test the waters to see if it’s worth swimming in. I mean why be with a brotha if he can’t perform right? <-We’re not talking about the occasional hiccup here. Why be with a sista if she’s not too sexually gratifying? Do you want to be in a situation where your sex life is very sub par and may result in cheating, or the other aspects of your marriage suffer because of inferior love making? Let’s put it in simpler terms: Wouldn’t you want to test drive a car before you buy it?
Having children out-of-wedlock vs Having children after marriage
I wrote an article on this previously, sharing my thoughts on whether or not having a child in or out-of-wedlock even matters. Check it out if you want an in-depth analysis on it.
Aahhh…the ultimate game of cat and mouse. To borrow the old cliché’, “This ain’t checkers, it’s chess”. And that statement rings true when it comes to courting someone. In all honesty it is fun, exciting and a nerve wracking roller coaster ride at the same time. I think the problem is that men don’t really court anymore; it’s all about smash and dash. I find this reprehensible to a degree but some sisters DO allow it, so such is life. Speaking of which, some women don’t want to be courted anyway and it’s all about a come up.
In some cases both parties seem to be listening to that radio station W.I.I. FM (Whats In It For Me). Let’s say for sake of an argument people are still fully into courting each other, do I believe in the chase? Hmmm to an extent. Do I believe in being chased? Sure who wouldn’t. It doesn’t mean I won’t reciprocate. And I think I can speak for most men when we say we don’t want to play games should we get into the realm of all out one-sided courtship. In other words, we want to know you’re interested as you sprinkle in a little of ‘playing hard to get’.
Some women are content with letting men jump through hoops and barriers while watching as if those guys guinea pigs on a wheel vying to get their attention. Is it really worth it in the long run? Brothers here’s my theory: A woman should chase you just as much (if not more) because she’ll appreciate you and what you have to offer since she had to work for it. Confused? Okay look at it like this: If someone is born into money will they ever truly appreciate the value of a dollar? More than likely not because they didn’t have to work hard to get money because IT came to them. Now take that same person and have him/her grow up in an impoverish situation, they will appreciate the value of a dollar more insomuch because they had to earn it.
The man is the provider and protector
No question about this one gentlemen. If you both work and agree on 50/50 on all expenses you should be definitely carrying your weight. And if you can contribute extra here and there, the better it is for you. As far as being the protector, your family should always be able to count on you for support, security, and love.
The man pays for all the outings
Nothing wrong with this scenario if you two have just started dating. Unless she offers to treat, you should be able to foot the date(s). After a while, especially if you both become monogamous, she should be able to spot some of the outings.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be pampered by your lady too? Use this formula: If you make more, it’s 60-40 at the most 65-35 in favor of you. If she makes more I say it should be 50/50 at the least. This way you maintain some semblance of the old school manhood while not usurping your pockets for every outing. Again however, if you start dating AND you extended the invite it’s all on you bud.
Readers, are you old-fashioned? What are some of the old school ways you have adopted? Does it matter when choosing a mate? Is it out dated?
Updated on 01/15/19, Post originally entitled, “Yesteryear’s Values vs Today’s Culture: Rants On Shacking, Sexing & Children’ing Before Marriage”